Joke Type: absurdist

Absurdist jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Silver-Haired Lady and the Jigsaw Puzzle

    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

    Her neighbor asks, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

    “According to the picture on the box,” she replies, “it’s a rooster.”

    The neighbor decides to help. He comes over, and she shows him the puzzle pieces spread all over the kitchen table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then back at the table.

    Finally, he smiles, gently takes her hand, and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re never going to turn these pieces into a rooster.”

    “Second, let’s make ourselves a nice cup of tea…”

    “…and then we’ll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

  • One Shot of Tequila Won’t Hurt

    One Shot of Tequila Won’t Hurt

    “Fuck it, one shot of tequila won’t hurt”

    3 hours later:

    Man Kicked Out Of McDonalds For Putting His Dick In A Burger And Yelling “THIS IS REAL MEAT, YOU FUCKERS!”

  • Killing a Huge Mouse at Disneyland

    Killing a Huge Mouse at Disneyland

    Me: *Kills a huge mouse with a baseball bat*

    Everyone else at Disneyland:

  • The Rolls Royce Key Fob Trick

    Two guys are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”

    The first guy replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the bar, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”

    The second says, “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”

    The first guy replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for $30 and the ladies are none the wiser.”

    So, the other guy goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various bars with no luck whatsoever.

    A few weeks later, he runs into the guy again. He tells him, “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 bars, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”

    The first guy says, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first!”

  • This Is Exactly What I Was Afraid Of

    This Is Exactly What I Was Afraid Of

    [doctor looking at my xrays]

    doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

    me: what

    doctor: skeletons

  • Or Get the Hose Again

    Or Get the Hose Again

    ROSES ARE FOR VASES
    LOTION’S FOR THE SKIN
    YOU WILL BE MY VALENTINE
    OR GET THE HOSE AGAIN.

  • Small Pinch

    Small Pinch

    DOCTOR: ur gonna feel a small pinch

    ME: ouch

    DOCTOR: alright I’m done pinching u, tell me why ur here

  • Incomplete Download

    I think my porn was not completely downloaded

  • She Was a Mathmachicken

    I had a hen who could count her own eggs.

    She was a mathmachicken.

  • It Just Kept Ringing

    I called the tinnitus hotline yesterday.

    It just kept ringing.