Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • # Job Interview Disasters: Personnel Executives Share Crazy Stories

    We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

    The lowlights:

    “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

    “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

    “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

    “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

    “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”

    “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

    “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

    “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

    “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

    “… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

    “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

    “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

    “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

    “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ‘Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

    “His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

    “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

    “… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

    “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

  • Caught Napping: Creative Excuses for Workplace Sleeping

    If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job

    “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
    “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
    “I was working smarter – not harder.”
    “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
    “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
    “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
    “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
    “I was trying to remember where that difficult ‘Z’ Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
    “I’m in the management training program.”
    “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
    “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
    “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
    “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
    “Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
    “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
    “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
    “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
    “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
    “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
    “The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
    “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”

  • Jack and Jill’s Unexpected Workplace Showdown

    There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.

    Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”

    He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”

    To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”

  • Necrophilia Safe Sex

    Necrophilia Safe Sex

    “The way I see it, necrophilia is safe sex….”

  • Happy Thanksgiving

    Happy Thanksgiving

    HAPPY THANKSGIVING

  • Bud Bowl

    I kind of miss the “Bud Bowl” — not because I watched it so much as because I enjoyed hearing my stoner roommates snicker in between handfuls of Funyuns every time the phrase was uttered on TV.

  • No Smoking Bad Sex

    No Smoking Bad Sex

    NO SMOKING

    “I’ve got to give you credit. How you can squeeze that much bad sex into 2 minutes, is beyond me.”

  • You’re Not Sterile

    A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

    “Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”

    “All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”

  • Eat the Sauce

    I wonder if the French word for “eat” is “app,” ’cause then the word “applesauce” would be “eat-the-sauce” in France, and I bet those dirty French would hate that.

  • Glitch in the Matrix

    The stunning advances in technology witnessed over the last few years make me believe that anything is possible, however unfathomable. Nonetheless, I wasn’t able to convince my girlfriend that her seeing me in bed with another woman was simply a glitch in the Matrix.