Meh Thoughts: Dark Shower Thoughts & One-Liners

All of the seats were already taken

Unfortunately, I showed up late to the kleptomaniacs’ conference.
Needless to say, all of the seats were already taken.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer.”
Then I saw her face.

Word to the wise: No matter how good the sex was, never high-five your dick.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me ’cause I won’t let you cum in my hair.

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

A man meets a genie who grants him three wishes, but warns him: whatever he asks for, his ex-wife gets twice as much.

“Well,” says the man, “for my first wish, beat me half to death.”

The other night, I fucked a Chinese restaurant chef. The next morning, I had to do the wok of shame.

When I first met Richard Peter Johnson, he seemed like a decent guy, but he turned out to be a complete prick.

“Hey Mother, want another?” Some dude trying to get rid of a broken condom.