I had my first threesome tonight.
There were two no shows but I had fun.
Meh Thoughts
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There should be a designated person in the hospital who slaps you really hard and makes
There should be a designated person in the hospital who slaps you really hard and makes you rename your kid if you choose a name that will get his ass kicked in school. Los Angeles hospitals will need a few dozen of these people.
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Every year it’s Dublin
Ireland’s capital is the fastest-growing city.
Every year it’s Dublin. -
Call the Exterminator
Sometimes I look outside my window and think, “Those people look like ants from here.” But then I realize I live on the first floor, and I really need to call the exterminator.
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The Italian Chef Passed Away
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
He pastaway.
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history. -
How do we know the tunnel leading toward the Light isn’t a throat?
How do we know the tunnel leading toward the Light isn’t a throat?
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Doctors Orders Mean Burger King
My doctor just told me that I need to start eating at Burger King.
Well, he really said that I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he means.
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Some woman in traffic yelled out her window at me, “You suck!”
Some woman in traffic yelled out her window at me, “You suck!” Well, duh. How do you think we careened off the guardrail and into oncoming traffic in the first place?
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If I were Dan Snyder, I’d change the name of my football team to the Washington Girly
If I were Dan Snyder, I’d change the name of my football team to the Washington Girly Red Skunks. There, beyotches! Now it’s offensive!
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With the daily barrage of depressing stories about poverty, genocide, fear and hate,
With the daily barrage of depressing stories about poverty, genocide, fear and hate, it’s sometimes a struggle to even want to get out of bed. Then you open a bag of Skittles to find a couple defective pieces morphed together, looking like two perfect purple boobies. Best. Day. EVER!
