There I was, naked, trembling with anticipation, hoping she would finally say the words I’ve waited a lifetime to hear. Unfortunately, “Step away from the vehicle with your hands up!” wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

The ceramic duck stared at me, and I stared back: an insurmountable standoff. Eventually my buzz would wear off, and the duck would learn the true meaning of “garage sale.”

The last time I needed a cavity filled I tried one of those new places where the whole time the guy’s working on you he spouts language inciting rebellion against the authority of the state. You know, sedition dentistry.

If I lived in the land of the blind, I’d tell everyone I had one eye, even if I didn’t. I mean, who’s gonna know, right? And just like that — free kingdom!

Sometimes I wish I was a woman, because I bet “The Woman With Testicles” could make a lot of money on the sideshow circuit.

Going over that steel-grate bridge every morning makes the car vibrate and it feels so good that I moan and groan out loud in pleasure. Too bad it freaks out the driving instructor.

Doctors say that we only use 15 percent of our brain. Is there more than 15 percent in our brain?

Actually, if he ONLY had a brain, would the scarecrow really be any better off?

My dominatrix has a birthday soon. I think I’ll just buy her a gag gift.