Money can’t buy happiness. Except the kind of happiness that can be found with multiple orgasms brought on by well-made vibrators.
Meh Thoughts
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Life is like a box of popcorn: You really crave chocolate, but
Life is like a box of popcorn: You really crave chocolate, but instead get something hard and salty rammed down your throat.
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You never leave fingerprints behind
The only thing I like about winter is that you wear gloves so much you never leave fingerprints behind.
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I just paid $35 for a 2 mile taxi ride to the laundromat. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
I just paid $35 for a 2 mile taxi ride to the laundromat. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
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When I turned 40, I decided to clean up my act and gave up drinking and smoking.
When I turned 40, I decided to clean up my act and gave up drinking and smoking. Man, it was tough — there’s no way I’d have gotten through that period without my heroin.
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Rash Decisions: A Lesson from Allergies
I woke up to an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.
My instinct was to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized that one should never make rash decisions!
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Predicting What’s Inside a Wrapped Present
Not to brag, but I have this incredible talent in predicting what’s inside a wrapped present.
It’s a gift.
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(Steve R. Clancy) There once was a chick from Vancouver, Who
(Steve R. Clancy) There once was a chick from Vancouver, Who sucked cock like she was a Hoover. Till the day she got ticked And bit off a dick, Then swallowed it like an hors d’oeuvre.
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When our receptionist greeted me with “How are you today?”
When our receptionist greeted me with “How are you today?” I answered “Horny. For you.” I’ve always heard that honesty is the best policy, but apparently our company has some other policy that beats it.
