Meh Thoughts: Dark Shower Thoughts & One-Liners

I didn’t know she sold flowers

My girlfriend asked why I never buy her flowers.

I told her I didn’t know she sold flowers.

I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiesta’s gas tank…
Now it’s a Ford Focus.

Why did the woman bring a remote control to the lake?

She was watching a live stream.

Why didn’t the personal trainer get kicked out of his apartment?

He had squatter’s rights.

What do you call a shoe made from a banana?

A slipper.

A termite walks into a pub and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender tells him, “You know, we have a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper answers, “You got a drink named Steve?”

What’s the difference between a gardener and a pimp?

A gardener hoes his beets.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want any kids.

We’re going to tell them in the morning.

I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.

He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”

Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”