Half of the people you know are below average.
Meh Thoughts
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There’s a girl in my office who pipes up at the end of every
There’s a girl in my office who pipes up at the end of every sentence and tries to finish it for you. In response, I’ve started ending all my sentences with “that fucks a donkey.” It hasn’t really stopped her from trying to finish my sentences, but it’s gotten me a LOT of attention from the Human Resources folks.
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One of my co-workers told me this morning that she felt like shit.
One of my co-workers told me this morning that she felt like shit. Well at least now her feelings match her cologne.
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You’re Much Bigger Than That
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
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I don’t know the right response for when my wife shows me her new hairdo, but so far
I don’t know the right response for when my wife shows me her new hairdo, but so far I’ve ruled out “What on earth happened?” and “Is it windy out?”
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Doctors recommend Pepto Bismol for their patients not already
Doctors recommend Pepto Bismol for their patients not already shitting horrifying, jet-black concrete.
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The Tolkien White Guys
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum.
They’re the Tolkien white guys.
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My dream job: vacation planner.
My dream job: vacation planner. Not for other people, though. That would kind of suck.
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Eat the Sauce
I wonder if the French word for “eat” is “app,” ’cause then the word “applesauce” would be “eat-the-sauce” in France, and I bet those dirty French would hate that.
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A lot of loud swearing sounds
I don’t know about trees, but when I was alone in the forest and I fell down, I made a lot of loud swearing sounds.
