Give me liberty or give me a grilled cheese sandwich! But go ahead and make it with two heels and over-char it a little on one side, so as not to make me look like a complete wuss.
Meh Thoughts
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I hate it when I pay for legal advice that ends up getting me in *more* trouble than I
I hate it when I pay for legal advice that ends up getting me in *more* trouble than I was in originally. It almost makes me want to give back the free corndog.
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Dinosaurs Don’t Make Good Pets
Why don’t dinosaurs make good pets?
Because they’re dead.
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I may have to reverse the polarity on my car.
I may have to reverse the polarity on my car. It’s supposed to be a total chick magnet, but so far it only seems to repel them.
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I think all in-flight movies should be porn. That way the Mile
I think all in-flight movies should be porn. That way the Mile High Club assholes could get if over with faster so the rest of us could use the damn toilet.
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I sometimes imagine myself as a cold-blooded python with massive rippling muscles,
I sometimes imagine myself as a cold-blooded python with massive rippling muscles, capable of suffocating and devouring large prey, yet burdened with a tiny brain. Occasionally it can be healthy for me to get in touch with my inner pro wrestler.
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The Ultimate Rejection
What’s the ultimate rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
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Teeth Marks
How do you know that a suicide victim was gay?
The teeth marks are farther down the barrel.
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Prose and Cons
I started a poetry club in prison.
It had prose and cons.
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I Was Gonna Plan a Vacation in Great Britain
I was gonna plan a vacation in Great Britain, but money’s a little tight, so Pretty Good Britain it is.
