I’ve got ten dollars that says Molotov was a beer drinker.
Meh Thoughts
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Number One
Last night, my girlfriend told me that I’m her “number one.” That’s just great: Not only does she see another man, but I’m more numb than he is.
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I asked a Scottish guy to name all the women he slept with
I asked a Scottish guy to name all the women he slept with.
He fell asleep.
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Apparently “resisting the urge to unleash vengeful wrath on my co-workers” is not
Apparently “resisting the urge to unleash vengeful wrath on my co-workers” is not something the employee review team deems a valid coming-year goal.
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20 minutes looking for a golf ball
“What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?”
“I’ll spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.” -
A bad day of skydiving is better than…
A bad day of skydiving is better than… No, come to think of it, a bad day of skydiving could be *really* bad. Okay then, a bad day of skydiving that’s not so bad as to involve ambulances is better than a good day at work.
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Not to blame the victim, but let’s be honest: Most people who get bitten by vampires
Not to blame the victim, but let’s be honest: Most people who get bitten by vampires were probably going to end up selling their blood down at the local clinic anyway.
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Keep Dreaming Buddy
Called my boss this morning, asked him if I could come in late today because I’m super tired. He said, “Keep dreaming buddy.”
Which was super nice and unexpected of him.
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Neighbor Can’t Sleep at 2am
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”
“Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”
