I have an idea for a construction business: I can build houses out of campfire wood that I stack personally. Apparently, the finished houses would be completely and utterly fireproof.
Meh Thoughts
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If I were a woman, I’d want to be a lesbian so I could still be
If I were a woman, I’d want to be a lesbian so I could still be turned down by women I want to sleep with. Over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at handling that kind of rejection.
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If you’re flying somewhere, don’t even think about sitting next to the pilot.
If you’re flying somewhere, don’t even think about sitting next to the pilot. Not only is that seat reserved for the co-pilot, but yelling “Shotgun!” in an airport pretty much guarantees they’re not going to let you on the plane.
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When my boyfriend sent me to get a Brazilian, I first thought I
When my boyfriend sent me to get a Brazilian, I first thought I was going to fuck a hot chick from Rio. Either way, now I can’t fucking walk.
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That’s 15-love
My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis.”
I replied, “That’s 15-love.”
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Bread in Captivity
I went to the zoo last week. The first exhibit was a ciabatta, the second a baguette, and the third a brioche.
They were all bread in captivity.
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It looks like I picked a bad time to introduce my new beverage, Ecola.
It looks like I picked a bad time to introduce my new beverage, Ecola.
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I can always tell when I’m getting better after being sick when
I can always tell when I’m getting better after being sick when I again feel well enough to jerk off to Shake-Weight commericals on YouTube.
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A Nice Summer Body for People to Look At
I wanted to have a nice summer body for people to look at, but I realized I like food more than I like people.
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After the ear-piercing shrieking, curse-laden insults and vicious personal attack, I
After the ear-piercing shrieking, curse-laden insults and vicious personal attack, I realized too late that I had mistakenly ordered a Harpy Meal.
