I think I’d rather watch a video of my conception than watch another debate.
Meh Thoughts
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I don’t think it would be that great to be a snowman, staring out at a world blanketed
I don’t think it would be that great to be a snowman, staring out at a world blanketed in snow. It must be like you standing in your front yard, seeing your own neighborhood covered in six inches of freshly fallen human viscera.
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The Only One
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.
She said yes — all the others had been nines and tens.
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Too Many Probing Questions
Why do aliens make such bad therapists?
They ask too many probing questions.
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A Remarkable Guy
My friend Mark changed his name to something else, but now he’s thinking about changing it back.
Truly a remarkable guy.
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I’m not sure what I ate yesterday but I just shit the LSU
I’m not sure what I ate yesterday but I just shit the LSU marching band out of my ass this morning playing “Walk the Dinosaur.”
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They say love means different things to different people — but my lawyer has instructed
They say love means different things to different people — but my lawyer has instructed me not to say what it means to me until after the trial.
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Astronomers saying the universe is actually accelerating away from us.
Astronomers saying the universe is actually accelerating away from us. Call me overly sensitive, but I can’t help but take that personally.
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My ex called me “Snakegirl.” Turns out it was because I like
My ex called me “Snakegirl.” Turns out it was because I like snakeskin boots so much and had nothing to do with that cool blowjob trick I do where I unhinge my jaw.
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I got my passport photos done in a rush, coming in from the pouring rain just as the
I got my passport photos done in a rush, coming in from the pouring rain just as the store was about to close. Later when I saw the terrible photos, I asked my husband, “Why didn’t you tell me my hair was sticking up all over and I looked this bad?” He said, “I just figured you wanted to look like you do when we’re traveling.”
