Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next.”
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Meh Thoughts
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I hate it when I pay for legal advice that ends up getting me in *more* trouble than I
I hate it when I pay for legal advice that ends up getting me in *more* trouble than I was in originally. It almost makes me want to give back the free corndog.
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Nature’s Way of Saying
Garage sales: nature’s way of saying, “Here, let me pay you to throw this out for me.”
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Cookie Monster Waste
The amount of cookies I’ve watched the Cookie Monster waste with his bullshit chewing makes me sick.
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What to Do With All the Extra Tacos
My kids refused to eat leftover tacos for dinner, so my wife told me to just throw them out.
Now I don’t know what to do with all the extra tacos.
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If you’re ever invited to a NAMBLA Halloween party, a good idea for a costume would be
If you’re ever invited to a NAMBLA Halloween party, a good idea for a costume would be to go as Dateline NBC’s Chris Hanson.
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Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask who knew that we were the first country to elect a president fluent in Yoda-speak.
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It definitely wouldn’t be this one
I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.
He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”
Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”
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Every book is an “educational book,” if you read it.
Every book is an “educational book,” if you read it. Even if the only lesson you learn is, “Man, this book sucks.”
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I can’t understand why my wife doesn’t enjoy my magnificent flatulence.
I can’t understand why my wife doesn’t enjoy my magnificent flatulence. After all, “I” makes the difference between “rectal” and “recital.”
