Tone: absurd

Absurd jokes, weird logic, surreal memes, and nonsense that somehow files taxes from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Top 15 Signs Your Pets Are Too Pampered

    15. When you come home after a long day at the office, you’re expected to bark enthusiastically and jump all over Fido.

    14. You’ve filled the little treasure chest at the bottom of the aquarium with real doubloons.

    13. Chippy’s hamster wheel has a speedometer, odometer, and calorie burn calculator, and you provide a personal trainer, Gatorade, and a towel.

    12. Buddy really likes fresh bones, and you weren’t really using that left femur anyway.

    11. Good luck convincing the judge that you really hired that undercover-cop hooker for your dog to have a sexier leg to hump.

    10. You’re spending thousands treating your ferret for pancreatic cancer while grandma rots away in a cheap nursing home.

    9. The cost of your Viagra prescription is exceeded by the cost of your rabbit’s Viagra prescription.

    8. Maid services have no problem cleaning litterboxes, but when it comes to licking Sir Purrsalot’s junk to spare him the indignity, suddenly they’re all so regal!

    7. You have your tarantula waxed when it’s hot out.

    6. Since Rover knows how to dance on her hind legs anyway, why waste money taking a girl to the prom?

    5. Not only did Fluffy refuse to eat the non-Beluga caviar, her lawyer sued you for serving such vile swill.

    4. Your parrot is the largest shareholder in Nabisco.

    3. The folks at the animal shelter stopped letting you adopt five cats every week when they learned about your pet coyote.

    2. You’ve already bought the tickets, now you just have to figure out how to get the tank into the premiere of “Finding Dory.”

    1. You buy a chinchilla coat. For your chinchilla.

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  • Deer Priorities

    Deer Priorities

    Deer when they hear a twig snap within a 3 mile radius

    Deer when a 25,000 lb semi truck is barreling at them at 80mph

  • Family of Four

    Family of Four

    I was assigned female at birth and identify as a woman, but according to the back of the Kraft mac and cheese box I’m a family of four

  • Grey and Comes in Pints

    What’s grey and comes in pints?

    An elephant.

  • Quit Weed Thought I Was Deaf

    Quit Weed Thought I Was Deaf

    What made you quit weed?

    Replying to @Fifimacov

    I watched the whole movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf

  • Death by Unga Bunga

    Three explorers crash-land their plane on an uncharted tropical island. The isolationist islanders promptly capture the three survivors and put them on trial for trespassing. Surprisingly, the grand chief of the island speaks broken English.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “You break harmony on our land,” he says. “There are two punishments for this offense: death, or unga bunga. Choose.” The chief points at the first explorer.

    The first guy chooses unga bunga, because what could be worse than death? Then three islanders step out and drop their loincloths to reveal porn-sized penises. The three islanders then fuck the explorer six ways from Sunday. Once the islanders are spent, the explorer is released.

    The chief then points to the second explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    The second explorer weighs his options. After an excruciating exchange in his own head, he meekly replies, “Unga bunga.”

    Three more islanders drop their loincloths, their penises even bigger than the ones before. They have their way with the second explorer and then release him.

    The chief points at the third explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    “Death,” the explorer replies.

    The chief scratches his chin and reflects. “No one ever choose death before… Death by unga bunga!”

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  • Three Tough Rats

    Three rats were sitting around talking. The subject turned to how tough they were.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The first rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the traps they set out for us? I undo the latch and work out with them.”

    The second rat said, “Want to know how tough I am? You know the poison pellets they set out for us? I chop ’em up with a razor blade and snort it.”

    The third rat starts to leave, and the other two ask him where he’s going.

    The third rat replied, “I’m going upstairs to fuck the cat.”

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  • Nana Recognizes You

    Nana Recognizes You

    When you’re having the best sex of your life but then Nana starts to recognize you again

    @Supersaw

  • The Pumpkin Patch

    Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

    The suspect explained he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,” he stated.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.”

    Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’”

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Shit… is it midnight already?”

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  • The Butt Kicking Contest

    Two guys decide to have a butt kicking contest.

    The first guy takes a long run, hauls off, and kicks the other guy so hard he goes flying ten feet.

    The second guy lies there for a minute, gasping in pain, then pulls himself together, stands up, and says, “My turn.”

    The first guy says, “Never mind, you win.”

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