Crude humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her. When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, “What’s wrong honey? Didn’t you come? Do you want more?”
His wife said, “No, no, it’s not that. I’m just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!”
Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.
1. you don’t have to look your best
2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.
3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else
4. you can use both hands and have and orgy
5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning
6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.
7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way
8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)
9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance
10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents’ house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she’s never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, “What are they doing?”
He says “They’re making love.”
“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she asks.
“Oh, uh, that’s his rope” he answered.
“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asks.
He says “Those are his knots.”
She says, “Oh, OK I got it.”
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they’re getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
“Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.
The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope.”
I recently tried some of these new ‘flavoured’ condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time I got a shag.
My girlfriend likes to lick each one before I insert it in her, just to see what flavour I was wearing.
The first night she said “Mmmmm, Cherry flavour”,
The second night she said “Mmmmm, Mint flavour”,
The third night she said “Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour”,
and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,
and she said “Mmmmm, Cheese flavour”
“Cheese flavour ??” I said “I haven’t put one on yet!”
A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”
Bubba laughed and said, “It’s simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.”
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.
He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”
Jim was in bed with his best friend’s wife. Just as things were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” she asked.
“I feel just like a regular son of a bitch, getting some of my best friend’s pussy,” Jim moaned.
“Well,” she soothed, patting his back, “you can stop worrying. You’re not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper.”
A husband cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: “Could we make love, please dear?”
“Not tonight, darling, I’ve got a splitting headache,” she replied.
“Please, I’ll only stick it in for a minute,” pleaded her husband.
His wife retorted: “What do you think I am, a fuckin’ microwave?”
It happened that when Fred and John went to College they got rooms in different levels of the building but right on top of each other. John’s room was above Fred’s room and John was always good with the woman.
Every night since school started Fred would hear up above his room, “Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!”
It went on every night:…”Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zipp! Ahhhaaa!”
Now Fred wasn’t a snoop and normally didn’t interfere on John’s love life or even ask of what went on every night. But one night it was different. Instead of the strange “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!” He heard “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!”.
Fred was confused by this….not to mention scared out of his mind by the scream. So he took a step at getting intimate with his friend John. “Hey John,” he said that morning. “I really hate to pry but every night I hear this ‘Claclopp, Claclopp, Calaclopp, spring, zip, Ahhaaa. But last night I was frightened by a ‘Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!, Calaclopp!!!, Spring, Zippp, YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!’ Do you mind explaining this?”
“Well,” said John. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!! was me running towards the bed. The Spring!! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp! was me zipping down my pants in mid air. And the AAhhhaaaa!! Was me settling my manhood in my girlfriend.”
“So what was last night?” Fred asked.
“Well,” he hesitated. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!! was me running. The Spring! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp was me gracefully zipping my pants down in the air. And the YEEeeOOWWWwwwwweeeeee!!!! was me landing my nuts on the bedpost.”
