Tone: dark humor

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

Know the Warning Signs Is Your Child on Drugs

Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or “drugs”. This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are “high” is the first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug.
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KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS — select the option which best describes your child.

1. Your child’s idea of a fun sport to play is:
A) tossing a pigskin ball around
B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole
C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream.

2. Your child’s idea of a responsible adult is:
A) Bill Clinton
B) Tom Hanks
C) Charles Manson.

3. Your child’s favourite hobbies include:
A) Model Rocketry
B) Baseball
C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags.

4. Your child’s pet is:
A) a puppy dog
B) a 16′ python
C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.

5. Your child’s breath smells like:
A) a fresh, minty mountain top
B) lunch
C) an opium den.

6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like:
A) Fred and Ginger
B) Regis and Kathy Lee
C) Sid and Nancy

7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as:
A) a precious metal
B) a Mexican theme park
C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.

8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer:
A) they scored a goal for their soccer team
B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test
C) they scored a dime bag and got high.

Total up the number of times you answered “C” to the questions above and consult the table below.

No “C’s” — Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren’t that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all its murkiness.

1-3 “C’s” — Your child might be on drugs, but you can’t be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn’t really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun.

3-6 “C’s” — You may as well face it, you’ve got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze.

7-8 “C’s” — Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return.

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They Dont Fuck Around at Those Crematoriums

A seven-year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:
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Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren’t you at school yesterday?
Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.
Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn’t too badly hurt I hope?
Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don’t fuck around at those crematoriums.

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It Will Be Missed

I donated my old basketball hoop to the school for the blind.

It will be missed.
It Was Instant

A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.

His wife told reporters, “At least he didn’t suffer — it was instant.”
Gabriels Trumpet

When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Sands, the novice Jenny was taken aside by the Mother Superior.
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“I must warn you,” the older woman said, “that although Father Sands is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Otherwise, he will become very excited.”

With that, Jenny went to look after the aged priest. Later, sobbing, Jenny sought out the Mother Superior.

“Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing Father Sands, I — I looked down. As you said, he became aroused.”

“And what happened?”

“I — I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.”

“Why, that old bastard!” the Mother Superior fumed. “For years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”

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Cindy Aint Even Reached Puberty Yet

A father came home and found his 8-year-old boy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigar. He marched up to the lad, removed the cigar from the boy’s mouth and said, “I suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re sitting there smoking that cigar because you just became a father.”
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“Hell no, Dad,” said the boy, “Cindy ain’t even reached puberty yet.”

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It Fall Off by Itself

A guy develops a really bad infection on his penis. Like, seriously bad. He goes to multiple doctors, even the expensive ones, and they all tell him the same thing: it has to be amputated or the infection could spread and kill him. Eventually, he gives up and accepts his fate. Surgery is scheduled.
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Then his cousin hears about it and says, “Wait, before you do that, you should try this famous oriental doctor. People swear by him.” Out of desperation, the guy goes.

He explains, “Doc, I’ve seen a lot of western doctors already. They all say it needs to be cut off before the infection spreads.”

The doctor nods, tells him to take off his pants, and starts examining everything very carefully. Feeling, pressing, lifting… full inspection.

After a while, the doctor smiles and says, “Good news!”

The guy lights up. “Really? So you don’t need to cut it off?”

The doctor waves his hand and says, “No, no. We are not like western doctors. They always cut, cut, cut… then charge, charge, charge!”

The guy is relieved. “So I’m safe?”

The doctor nods confidently. “Yes. No need to cut.”

The guy almost cries from happiness. “Thank you, Doc! So what’s the treatment?”

The doctor shrugs and says, “We wait two weeks.”

The guy pauses. “And then?”

The doctor smiles. “It fall off by itself.”

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Santa Claus Hot Girl Mask
Jesus Is Coming
Im Just Chewing Some Gum

Terribly overweight, Don LaJoie went to the doctor and begged him to be put on a diet. The doctor suggested several, but Lajoie rejected them all, insisting that he had no willpower.
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Considering the problem, the doctor said, “There is one thing we can try. It’s an experimental diet in which the jaw is wired shut and nourishment is provided through the rectum. Since the rectal walls can only absorb small amounts of food at a time, you will lose weight quickly.”

LaJoie agreed to try the diet. Three weeks later, he returned for his checkup and, much to the doctor’s delight, the formerly obese man was now quite slender. He also had a remarkable bounce to his step.

The physician removed the wire from LaJoie’s jaw and the man sat down. Much to the doctor’s surprise, his patient continued to bounce up and down on the seat.

“So how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Marvelous! Never better.”

“Then tell me, why are you bouncing up and down like that?”

“Oh,” says LaJoie, “I’m just chewing some gum.”

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