Tone: dark humor

Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or “drugs”. This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are “high” is the first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug.

KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS — select the option which best describes your child.

1. Your child’s idea of a fun sport to play is:
A) tossing a pigskin ball around
B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole
C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream.

2. Your child’s idea of a responsible adult is:
A) Bill Clinton
B) Tom Hanks
C) Charles Manson.

3. Your child’s favourite hobbies include:
A) Model Rocketry
B) Baseball
C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags.

4. Your child’s pet is:
A) a puppy dog
B) a 16′ python
C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.

5. Your child’s breath smells like:
A) a fresh, minty mountain top
B) lunch
C) an opium den.

6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like:
A) Fred and Ginger
B) Regis and Kathy Lee
C) Sid and Nancy

7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as:
A) a precious metal
B) a Mexican theme park
C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.

8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer:
A) they scored a goal for their soccer team
B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test
C) they scored a dime bag and got high.

Total up the number of times you answered “C” to the questions above and consult the table below.

No “C’s” — Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren’t that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all its murkiness.

1-3 “C’s” — Your child might be on drugs, but you can’t be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn’t really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun.

3-6 “C’s” — You may as well face it, you’ve got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze.

7-8 “C’s” — Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return.