Tone: dark humor

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Doctor’s Good News

    A guy’s mother-in-law comes to live with him…

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    One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

    The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

    The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad news.”

    The guy says, “Alright, give me the bad news first.”

    The doctor says, “Your mother-in-law is not going to die. She had a massive stroke, but she is probably going to live another 20-30 years. The problem is the stroke has rendered her unable to speak. She just makes this horrible screeching noise like a parrot now. It has also disabled her ability to use her arms. For the next 20-30 years you are going to have to feed her baby food 3 times a day. Also, it’s made her incontinent, so you’re going to have to change her diapers and clean her up every single day for the next 20-30 years.”

    “Oh my gosh,” the guy said. “What’s the good news?”

    The doctor chuckles and goes, “I’m just kidding with you… she died.”

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  • The Husband Who Cried the Most

    A bus full of housewives on a picnic trip tragically veered off a bridge and fell into a river. All the wives passed away…

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    Each husband cried for a week, except for one, who kept crying for more than two weeks!

    When asked why he was so devastated, he replied miserably: “My wife missed the bus!”

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  • The Boss and the Thousand Dollars

    A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor. By the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”

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    She thought about it for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend replied, “Go for it, but ask him for $2,000 instead. Pick up the money as fast as you can—he won’t even have time to undress himself.”

    So she agreed.

    Half an hour later, the boyfriend called her back.

    “What happened?” he asked.

    She replied, “That bastard used coins… I’m still picking them up, and he’s still going!”

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  • Jurassic Park Extra Children In Case Dinosaurs Ate One

    Jurassic Park Extra Children In Case Dinosaurs Ate One

  • I Have Never Been a Mourning Person

    I have a friend who passed away recently and they are having the funeral at 7am. I’ve decided not to go… I have never been a mourning person.

  • The Twenty-Dollar Tomatoes

    A guy went to a supermarket to buy 2 tomatoes.

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    At the checkout, the clerk said, “That’ll be $20.”

    The guy was upset. “Two tomatoes for $20? Are you out of your mind?!”

    The clerk said, “That’s the price, you want them or not?”

    The guy said, “I don’t want them, and you know what you can do with them?”

    The clerk said, “I can’t, there’s already a $10 cucumber there.”

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  • The Woman and the Discharge

    A woman went to the doctor and said, “I’m getting too much discharge.”

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    The doctor said, “Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed.”

    He put on his latex gloves and slipped 2 fingers into her vagina.

    “How does that feel?” he asked.

    “Fucking lovely,” she replied. “But the discharge is in my ear.”

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  • The Burglarized House and the K-9 Unit

    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized…

    She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

    The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

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  • Grandma in the Lineup

    A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…

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    One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

    The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

    Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

    Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

    “Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.

    A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

    When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

    Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”

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  • The Dying Pastor and the Two Politicians

    An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for Joe Biden and Barack Obama to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

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    As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.

    For a time, no one said anything. Both Biden and Obama were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

    They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, Obama asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”

    The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves… and that’s how I’d like to go.”

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