Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A wife was furious because her husband forgot their wedding anniversary.
She crossed her arms and yelled, “Tomorrow morning, I want something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under five seconds!”
The husband said nothing.
The next morning, the wife walked outside and found a small wrapped box sitting in the driveway.
Confused, she opened it.
Inside was a brand-new bathroom scale.
According to hospital staff, the husband is expected to make a full recovery.
Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.
One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”
The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”
Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.
In other news, there’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.
Every week you get new matches!
A lawyer goes to heaven.
St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks, “Are you sure it is my time? I’m not that old?”
St. Peter says, “What do you mean? You’re 86 years old.”
The lawyer says, “No I’m not… I’m only 58. Why do you think I’m that old!”
St. Peter says, “Well, we just added up all of the hours you’ve billed to your clients.”
A nice, calm, and respectable woman walks into a pharmacy, goes straight to the pharmacist, looks him in the eye, and says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asks, “Why on earth do you need cyanide?”
The woman replies, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes widen, and he exclaims, “My God! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! We’ll both go to jail! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and replies, “Well, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”
There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.
Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked, and she sought the advice of a surgeon.
“Sure, we can reduce the amount of external flesh and create a more aesthetically appealing area in the process. Just know that the procedure will result in a lengthy healing process,” the doctor said after a thorough examination.
“Please, doctor. I need this,” the woman said.
The procedure went very successfully. No complications, sutures in the right places, everything was shaping up to heal quicker than expected.
When the woman woke up, she had three bouquets next to her bed. The first was a modest six roses and a card. The card read, “To my daughter, I hope your recovery is swift. We may have our differences, but I will always love you. – Mum.”
The second bouquet was two dozen beautiful roses and also had a card. This card read, “I can’t wait to see that delicious slot when it’s healed. I’ll triple the usual rate to have first crack at it! – #1 John.”
There was a third bouquet that had a dozen roses, a dozen daffodils, a dozen sunflowers, two dozen lilies, and countless protea blooms. But there was no card accompanying it.
Her doctor came in to follow up on the surgery and after examining her, she said, “Excuse me, doc? I know who these two gifts came from, but there wasn’t a card for the third. I don’t know who to thank for the gesture. Would you happen to know who sent these?”
The doctor smiled and looked at his feet, as if slightly embarrassed. “Well, ma’am. When we copied your ID for record keeping, we saw you were an organ donor. Those flowers are from someone on the fourth floor burn ward. They wanted to thank you for their new ears.”
A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, takes a mighty swing, and hits the ball into a clump of trees.
After looking for a minute, he finds the ball and sees that there’s an opening between two trees, and like every ‘weekend professional’ he’s completely confident that he can make the perfect shot!
Taking out a 3 iron, closing the club-face and his shoulder, he executes a low punch shot that comes off the face like a bullet.
The ball hits a tree, bounces straight back, hits him in the forehead and kills him instantly!
As he approaches the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asks, “Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”
Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.
“Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”
When she didn’t stir, Mark, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.
“God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”
A while later the teacher asked, “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.
Mark poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.
“Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.
Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Mark jabbed her with the pencil.
This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!”
The teacher fainted.
