Tone: dark humor

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Got Here in Two

    A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, takes a mighty swing, and hits the ball into a clump of trees.

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    After looking for a minute, he finds the ball and sees that there’s an opening between two trees, and like every ‘weekend professional’ he’s completely confident that he can make the perfect shot!

    Taking out a 3 iron, closing the club-face and his shoulder, he executes a low punch shot that comes off the face like a bullet.

    The ball hits a tree, bounces straight back, hits him in the forehead and kills him instantly!

    As he approaches the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asks, “Are you a good golfer?”

    The man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

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  • Penny in Sunday School

    Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.

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    “Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”

    When she didn’t stir, Mark, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.

    “God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”

    A while later the teacher asked, “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.

    Mark poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.

    “Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.

    Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Mark jabbed her with the pencil.

    This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!”

    The teacher fainted.

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  • Pulled Over for Swerving

    The police pulled me over last night and said, “Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”

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    I said, “I’ve had eight drinks, officer.”

    The officer replied, “Sir, that’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”

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  • A Stop on the Bridge

    Two plump women were leaving a bar after a night of some heavy drinking. The full moon shone in a cloudless sky. They had gone a few blocks and were about to cross a small bridge when one of them said she needed to take a dump.

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    “It’s only a few more blocks, you can hold it,” the other replied.

    “No I can’t, if I don’t go now I will shit my panties,” said the first.

    “Well there isn’t anywhere with privacy but you know if you hop up on the railing and hang your ass over you can go in the water and anyone coming by will just think we’re sitting talking,” suggested the second.

    “That sounds good, help me up,” replied the first.

    She pulled down her panties, hiked up her dress and climbed up hanging her butt over the railing.

    Her friend leaned over the side, staring down at the water and started laughing.

    “Oh my God, Mary,” she howled, “you just shit on a guy in a canoe.”

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  • The Man at the Door With a Bloodied Towel

    A woman answered the doorbell and a man was standing there with something wrapped in a bloodied towel.

    The man said, “I’m terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat.”

    The woman burst into tears.

    The man tried to comfort her by saying, “I’d like to replace it.”

    The woman wiped her eyes and said, “Really? How are you at catching mice?”

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  • Put Me Down for a Five

    Police have been called to an apartment, and upon arrival find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

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    The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

    “Yes,” says the woman.

    “Did you hit him with that golf club?”

    “Yes, yes, I did.”

    The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

    “How many times did you hit him?”

    “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

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  • They Just Call It Tuesday

    My grandfather said he’d never move into a retirement home.
    He said, “Too expensive… and the food tastes like someone boiled sadness.”

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    Instead, he checked into a beachfront hotel.
    We asked, “Grandpa, isn’t that even more expensive?”

    He smiled and said, “Not really.
    At the retirement home, I’d pay $200 a day for cold meatloaf and no visitors.
    But here? For $150 a day, I get ocean views, room service, fresh towels, a pool…
    …and suddenly all my grandkids remember I exist every weekend.”

    Then he leaned back in his chair and delivered the final line like a mob boss:
    “And if I die in the hotel lobby, the manager will actually look disappointed.
    But at the nursing home? They just call it Tuesday.”

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  • How Do You Arrange a Flood

    Two retired New York businessmen run into each other in Florida.

    After the usual greetings, the second one asked the first guy, “What happened to your business?” The first guy answers, “Competition started eating into my profits. There was a fire that destroyed the business so I decided to take the insurance money and retire. What about your business?” The second guy says, “Similar to you but I had a flood destroy my business.” The first man asks, “How do you arrange a flood?”

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  • Did You Call for Me

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

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    The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” The newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

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  • Oral Sex Aint Much Fun

    A hillbilly couple is lying in bed.

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    Otis turns to his wife and says, “Fuck you.”

    A minute goes by and then Rita Mae turns to Otis and says, “Fuck you.”

    Another couple of minutes pass and Otis says, “Fuck you” again to his wife.

    This back and forth goes on for a bit longer when Otis finally turns to his wife and says, “You know, oral sex ain’t much fun.”

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