Tone: dark

A woman gives birth to a head.

The doctors are stunned, but sure enough, it seems healthy in every other way, so they let the woman take her new head of a son back home. After a while, she sets him on the windowsill so he can watch the world go by and see the other children play.

Years go by, and one day, when the boy is ten or so, the woman gets a call from the doctor who delivered the head all those years ago. The doctor tells the woman, “We just had an unfortunate death of a boy who seems to be around the same age as your son. This boy was decapitated, and we think we can attach your son’s head to this boy’s body. What do you think?”

Of course, the mother is thrilled and agrees. She races upstairs, where her son sits on the windowsill, and says, “Jimmy, I have a wonderful gift for you!”

And Jimmy says, “It better not be another fucking hat!”

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop because he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues.

“Johnny!” his mom screams. “Knock it off or you’re going to break something!”

Johnny stops, and shortly thereafter, Mom leaves to go grocery shopping. Johnny starts up again immediately.

Finally growing bored, he gives it one last flick, and it lands in the toilet, where he leaves it.

Mom gets home, and while putting away the groceries, gets a bubbling feeling in her gut. It’s a diarrhea run!!!

She makes it to the toilet just in time, and SPLOOSH, out it comes. When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor, but he’s baffled as she describes the situation. He assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom, and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the brown thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be, and POP! The balloon explodes, and poop is everywhere! It’s on him, the walls, etc.

“Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” she asks.

He says, “I’ve been a doctor over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually SEEN a fart!”

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

“What was that?” the others asked her.

“Oh, it was Vitamin C. I want my baby to be healthy.”

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

“What was that?” the others asked.

“Oh, it was iron. I want my baby to be big and strong.”

They continued knitting. Finally, the third woman took a pill.

“What was that?” the others asked her.

“It was thalidomide,” she said. “I just can’t get the arms right on this fucking sweater!”