Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.
A man walks into a bank.
Goes up to the teller and says, “I’d like to open a damn savings account.”
The teller says, “Sir, I’d be happy to help you, but this is a place of business — you can’t swear here.”
The man replies, “I don’t care, just let me open a damn savings account.”
The teller says, “Sir, that’s just inappropriate. If you keep talking to me that way I’ll have to get the manager.”
The man says, “Why won’t you just open the damn savings account?”
So the teller goes and gets the manager — he comes out and says, “Alright sir, I understand you’re swearing at my employee — what seems to be the problem here?”
The man says, “I don’t have a problem — I just won 5 million dollars in the lottery and I want to open up a damn savings account!”
The manager looks at the teller and back at the man and says, “And this motherfucker wouldn’t let you?”
After getting sent to jail, I was immediately held down over a table and violently assaulted.
Uncle Brian takes Monopoly very seriously….
Fuck it, one shot of tequila won’t hurt
3 hours later:
Man Kicked Out Of McDonalds For Putting His D*ck In A Burger And Yelling THIS IS REAL MEAT, YOU F*CKERS!
The CIA, MI6, and KGB decide to have a competition to decide once and for all who are the best intelligence agency.
They meet on an island in the Pacific and release a rabbit into the forest, and then one by one each of them has to see how long it takes them to catch it.
The CIA goes into the forest first. They place the most sensitive listening equipment every few dozen meters. They scan the forest with satellites and analyze the images with AI. They pay the birds and mice to be informants. After four weeks, they write a report saying the rabbit does not exist and has never existed.
The MI6 team goes into the forest. After a couple days with no leads they make a pot of tea and argue about cricket for a week, and then return and declare the rabbit must have escaped to another island.
The KGB goes into the forest. Two hours later they return with a bear covered with bruises and two black eyes saying: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, my family are all rabbits, and everyone I know is a rabbit!”
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a daddy longlegs,” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
“Well, we’re not having THAT sort of thing in OUR garden!”
