Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Five Million Dollar Savings Account

    A man walks into a bank.

    Goes up to the teller and says, “I’d like to open a damn savings account.”

    The teller says, “Sir, I’d be happy to help you, but this is a place of business — you can’t swear here.”

    The man replies, “I don’t care, just let me open a damn savings account.”

    The teller says, “Sir, that’s just inappropriate. If you keep talking to me that way I’ll have to get the manager.”

    The man says, “Why won’t you just open the damn savings account?”

    So the teller goes and gets the manager — he comes out and says, “Alright sir, I understand you’re swearing at my employee — what seems to be the problem here?”

    The man says, “I don’t have a problem — I just won 5 million dollars in the lottery and I want to open up a damn savings account!”

    The manager looks at the teller and back at the man and says, “And this motherfucker wouldn’t let you?”

  • Uncle Brian Takes Monopoly Very Seriously

    After getting sent to jail, I was immediately held down over a table and violently assaulted.

    Uncle Brian takes Monopoly very seriously….

  • One Shot Tequila Mcdonalds

    One Shot Tequila Mcdonalds

    Fuck it, one shot of tequila won’t hurt

    3 hours later:

    Man Kicked Out Of McDonalds For Putting His D*ck In A Burger And Yelling THIS IS REAL MEAT, YOU F*CKERS!

  • I Need a Handsaw

    Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

    He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

    The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock, starts masturbating and points at it.

    The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”

    The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

  • The KGB Rabbit

    The CIA, MI6, and KGB decide to have a competition to decide once and for all who are the best intelligence agency.

    They meet on an island in the Pacific and release a rabbit into the forest, and then one by one each of them has to see how long it takes them to catch it.

    The CIA goes into the forest first. They place the most sensitive listening equipment every few dozen meters. They scan the forest with satellites and analyze the images with AI. They pay the birds and mice to be informants. After four weeks, they write a report saying the rabbit does not exist and has never existed.

    The MI6 team goes into the forest. After a couple days with no leads they make a pot of tea and argue about cricket for a week, and then return and declare the rabbit must have escaped to another island.

    The KGB goes into the forest. Two hours later they return with a bear covered with bruises and two black eyes saying: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, my family are all rabbits, and everyone I know is a rabbit!”

  • Daddy Longlegs Stomps Out Gay Spiders

    A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

    “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

    “They’re mating,” her father replied.

    “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

    “That’s a daddy longlegs,” her father answered.

    “So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

    “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

    The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

    “Well, we’re not having THAT sort of thing in OUR garden!”

  • Worst Timing Ever Beats Wife’s Infidelity

    Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, “Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?”

    “Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here. Shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure I got time for a couple more beers.”

  • Do You Want Porn with That

    When is McDonald’s going to realize they’d get much bigger sales with, “Do you want porn with that?”

  • Drive-Thru Speaker Fixed

    I told one of my HMO patients to go get a tonsillectomy, and now he’s mad because he thought I said “appendectomy” and got his appendix removed instead. I guess I should really look into getting my drive-thru speaker fixed.