Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Rhyme for Statute of Limitations

    The imagery and emotion in my poems has been inspired by my life as a solitary traveler — the long, lonely road, the ever-distant horizon, my yearning to return home. I just wish I could come up with a rhyme for “statute of limitations.”

  • Lemons Painted Like Hand Grenades

    When life gives you lemons, paint them up like hand grenades and hijack a plane to Cuba.

  • Toilet-Training Transferability

    As I watched my two-year-old drag his naked bottom across the carpet, I realized that perhaps I overestimated the transferability of the toilet-training skills I had initially honed with our puppies.

  • Settling Out of Court on the Golf Course

    Two queers were enjoying a pleasant round of golf when a foursome of Hell’s Angels began hitting into them from behind. One queer finally becomes angry and turns to his partner,”If those big bad boys hit into us one more time, Seymour, you fall down and act like the ball hit you very very hard in the head. We’ll just sue those naughty boys.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Sure enough, next hole they drove the ball directly into the gay twosome. “Now, Seymour, now! Fall down. Well show them…”

    The Angels walk up to the standing and lying queer and say, “What the hell’s going on here?”

    “You just hurt my friend Seymour really bad, and we’re going to get a lawyer and sue you….how do you like that?”

    The Angel replies, “Oh Blow Me!”

    The queer exclaims, “Seymour, Seymour, get up! They want to settle out of court!”

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  • Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti

    I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. And then no hands. And then no head. And then I ate his tasty liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

  • His Parking Space

    I’d imagine that one thing worse than finding out Osama Bin Laden is still alive would be him coming back to work to find that you’ve been using his parking space all this time.

  • Future Racecar Driver

    The way my four-year-old really gets into steering when we’re in the car makes me think he might grow up to be a professional racecar driver. And to think I originally just needed him to sit in my lap and take the wheel while I reached back for another beer.

  • Dead Pussy Bus Ride Misunderstanding

    An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”

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  • The Eggnog Alibi

    I miss the holidays. It’s the only time of year when you can get away with telling people that the stain on your dress is really eggnog.

  • Depressed And Miserable

    Depressed And Miserable

    Last year I was miserable and depressed but this year I turned that shit around so I’m depressed and miserable now