Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Drunk Guy’s Mystery Discovery at the Lab

    A guy went out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar. He woke up with a terrible hangover and went to take a piss and some Alka-Seltzer when he looked down and saw that he had a red and a brown crusty substance around his dick.

    He scraped off a little of each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification. When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some good news and some bad… first of all, the red substance was ordinary lipstick but I’m afraid the brown substance was…. chewing tobacco!

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Elephant Trunk Size

    In the elephant world, are dude elephants with longer trunks considered to be more manly? It probably doesn’t matter much, because I doubt a chick elephant can really tell the difference between a 9-foot-long trunk and an 8-foot-long one, unless it’s a G-spot-reaching difference.

  • Mr Foley Halloween Candy

    Mr Foley Halloween Candy

    Once again Mr. Foley figures that he saves nearly twenty dollars per year on Halloween candy.

  • Shorten Winter, Lengthen Summer

    I’m disappointed that some clever capitalist hasn’t come up with a way to sell a product that shortens winter and lengthens summer. It would probably require exploiting the working class, though, so maybe it’s just as well.

  • Pickup Lines That Will Get You Rejected

    70 pickup lines

    1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

    2. Do you want to see something swell?

    3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

    4. Drop ’em!

    5. What do you like for breakfast?

    6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

    7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?

    8. Say, did we go to different schools together?

    9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?

    10. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: “Smile if you want to sleep with me.” And watch them try to hold back their laugh.

    11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

    12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

    14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.

    15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”

    16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

    17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

    18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

    19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?

    20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”

    21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?

    22. A woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You: “Do you have the energy?”

    23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?

    24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)

    25. Bond. James Bond.

    26. Do you spit or swallow?

    27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?

    28. Your place or mine?

    29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

    30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

    31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

    32. Your face or MINE!?

    33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”

    34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

    35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

    36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

    37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

    38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.

    39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

    40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

    41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

    42. I’d look good on you.

    43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

    44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

    45. I would kill or die to make love to you.

    46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?

    47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.

    48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

    49. HI! Can I buy you a car?

    50. NOW, BITCH!

    51. Fancy a fuck?

    52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.

    53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

    54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

    55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?

    56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

    57. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

    58. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: “I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”

    59. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

    60. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

    61. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?…(Yes)…From the inside?

    62. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

    63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?

    64. Hi, how are you?

    65. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) ‘Cause I could see myself in your pants.

    66. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

    67. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?

    68. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

    69. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?

    70. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

    71. Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Bad Cell Phone Connection

    When my wife said we were breaking up, I thought she was referring to a bad cell phone connection. Now I’m not so sure, since she hasn’t come home in three weeks — and we don’t have a cell phone.

  • Huh? Magazine

    I’ve been thinking of starting a magazine called “Huh?” for people suffering permanent memory loss. To save money, I could just publish the same issue every month.

  • Insurance Claims Gone Hilariously Wrong

    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

    Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
    I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
    I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
    A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
    The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
    In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
    I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
    I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
    I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
    As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
    My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
    An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
    I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
    I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
    The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
    I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
    The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Corporate Incompetence: Millions for Failure

    1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

    AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

    2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

    Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”

    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

    4. THE GETAWAY!

    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

    5. DID I SAY THAT???

    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”

    6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

    A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.

    7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

    In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Gonads-First Into a Doorknob

    There’s no shame in a man’s weeping; the bitter yet life-embracing tears of universal sorrow… especially when he’s just walked gonads-first into a doorknob.