Still haven’t heard from Hallmark about my idea for a line of “Thanks for not molesting me, alcoholic stepdad” cards.
Tone: darkly humorous
Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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“There’s a one letter difference between ‘heroes’ and ‘herpes,’
“There’s a one letter difference between ‘heroes’ and ‘herpes,’ so choose wisely, kids.” Why I’m not allowed to speak at schools anymore.
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Gotta Hand It to Her
My blind doctor is incredible at solving erectile dysfunctions.
Gotta hand it to her.
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Not What It Looks Like
So a girl walks in and catches her boyfriend masturbating to an optical illusion. “What the hell are you doing?” she screams.
And he says, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like.”
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One Hell of an Outdoorsman
A guy goes in for a physical; the doctor asks about his activity level. “What do you mean?” asks the guy.
The doctor says, “Well, for example, what did you do yesterday?”
The guy says, “Yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk, about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I jumped three feet in the air when I almost stepped on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills and hacked my way through some tall grass. After that I was so exhausted and dehydrated, I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor says, “Sounds like you are one hell of an outdoorsman!”
And the guy says, “Actually, I’m just a really shitty golfer.”
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Fatherly Bubble
Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying, “Some nights I don’t know why I even bother to wear panties.”
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The Thanksgiving Turkey Guts
A husband and wife married for many years — every morning the husband wakes up and lets out a thunderous fart, then cackles. One day she glares at him and says, “You know, one of these days you’re going to shit your guts out.” He shrugs it off and they go about life.
Come around to Thanksgiving, the wife is downstairs prepping a turkey for dinner, husband is sleeping upstairs in bed. As she pulls the turkey’s guts out, she gets a clever idea, and sneaks upstairs holding a small handful of the turkey’s guts. She tucks them into her husband’s underwear.
She goes back downstairs and continues to cook. A short while later, the husband wakes up. She hears his usual morning fart, his cackle, then dead silence.
A few minutes later the husband comes down the stairs. He is pale, shaking a little, and looks like a deer in the headlights.
“Is everything okay, dear?” she asks without missing a beat.
“Well, yea,” the husband says. “But you were right, I did shit my guts out. But with these two fingers and a little determination, I got them back up in there.”
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Keep People in the Dark
My friends keep asking me how I’m able to save so much on my electric bill,
but I’ll never tell because I like to keep people in the dark.
