Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A sure-fire way to win “best costume” at the next Halloween party is to have somebody embed a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.
Timing is crucial, though — you don’t want to pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes, long before the costume judging begins, like I did.
A man got fired from his job for having sex during work hours. When his boss asked why he did it, the man replied, “I don’t know man, she was just lying there naked. I kinda got the hint so we fucked.”
He was never hired at another morgue again.
I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known — there were red flags everywhere.
The only thing I like about winter is that you wear gloves so much you never leave fingerprints behind.
I don’t think I’d do very well on that TV show, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”
But if they ever have a spin-off called, “Can You Beat Up a Fifth Grader?” I’ll bet I could score some nice consolation prizes.
Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!
I shot the sheriff and the deputy.
Now there’s nothing to stop Aunt Bea and me from being together!
Day after day, the same guy keeps taking my favorite parking space at work, so I keep keying the sides of his car. And each morning, he shows up again with it painted a new color and with a different license plate, just to confuse me. Ha! Try again, Einstein!
They say make-up sex is the best, which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.
If it’s 1 or 1,000 sins, you’re still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend.
