The worst part about being Medusa wouldn’t be turning people to stone on sight, but rather the unavoidable bad-hair days when one of your snakes is digesting a rat.
Tone: darkly humorous
Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Now they have cameras everywhere
When I was young, you could go to the grocery store with two dollars in your pocket and come out with a loaf of bread, two dozen eggs, and a pound of butter.
Now, they have cameras everywhere. -
Don’t let Kevin Bacon die
Ever since Johnny Cash died, we’ve had no cash. Ever since Steve Jobs died, we’ve had no jobs. Please God, don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
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Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball over 300 yards.
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And then I saw her face
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face… -
He ripped me off
You know that guy who made the movie “Super Size Me,” in which he gained 31 pounds after eating nothing but McDonald’s food for an entire month? That dude totally ripped me off. I did it first, except he filmed it or something.
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Fixing the boat
Plugging the hole in the row boat with my penis wasn’t a bad idea, but forgetting to take out my piercing barbell *was* — although the bass didn’t seem to think so.
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Pissing Skittles
Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after I had spent three days eating nothing but beets and asparagus, and downing enough Karo syrup to kill a horse, that I realized maybe it was actually during a dream when I came up with my super-secret formula for “pissing Skittles.”
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At least she’ll never be hungry
I bet if an eagle’s daughter ever flew off with a buzzard, the eagle would react nobly and think, “Well, at least she’ll never be hungry.”
