Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • My nose starts pointing skyward

    While I love my renewed confidence now that I had the doctor transfer pubic hair to my bald scalp, the only side effect seems to be that whenever I talk to a pretty girl, my nose starts pointing skyward.

  • I doubt they’d do it more than once

    If the company that makes Q-Tips was really serious about wanting us only using them on the outsides of our ears, they’d make the little stick come to a needle-sharp point. People would still poke them into the canal, but I kind of doubt they’d do it more than once.

  • Scaring the crap out of the passengers

    It was in 1875 that my great-great-grandmother Elsa began appearing on stages throughout the Old West, and scaring the crap out of the passengers.

  • Probably something involving bees

    If hell is having to watch your worst decisions over and over forever, I really hope they give you a better judgment system than you had when you made those decisions. If they don’t, they’ll have to sit and explain to you why you were wrong. And chances are they still won’t get through to you. Then they’ll have to think up some new punishment. Probably something involving bees.

  • Help me out here

    It’s really cool when you and your girlfriend finish each other’s sentences. It sucks, though, when you break up and discover you’re no longer capable of speaking in complete… uh… help me out here…

  • Cheese in the nose

    Instead of calling a conclusion that does not follow from the underlying logic a non sequitur, which is Latin for “it does not follow,” I think naming it for the Latin phrase for “cheese in the nose” would have made less, and thus more, sense.

  • Before and After Marriage

    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

    After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.

  • Turns out that is 9:30 pm

    When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:30 p.m. I couldn’t wait to be a grown-up so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.

    Turns out that is 9:30 p.m.

  • Only time would tell

    The frogs looked real. In fact, I was sure they were. But could they play those little musical instruments, especially burdened by that patina of lacquer inhibiting their movement? Only time would tell, and I had all night.