Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Music without lyrics

    I don’t enjoy music without lyrics. It just doesn’t speak to me.

  • Like a Newborn Baby

    Two retired cops sit on a park bench watching the world go by.

    “You know, Tom,” one sighs, “my health is declining. My legs hurt when I stand, my back hurts when I sit, and my arms hurt when I reach for things. I feel like I’m falling apart! How are you feeling these days?”

    The second guy smiles broadly and says, “Honestly? I feel like a newborn baby!”

    “Really?!” the first guy gasps. “A newborn baby? How do you manage that?”

    “Well,” he grunts, “I have no hair, I have no teeth, and I just wet my pants!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Hemorrhoids vs Asteroids

    The fact that “hemorrhoids” aren’t called “asteroids” is a major missed opportunity for science, health, and the English language.

  • Secret Gopher Colony Had a Mole

    Did you hear a secret colony of gophers was discovered recently?
    They say there was a mole among them.

  • Silver-Haired Lady and the Jigsaw Puzzle

    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

    Her neighbor asks, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

    “According to the picture on the box,” she replies, “it’s a rooster.”

    The neighbor decides to help. He comes over, and she shows him the puzzle pieces spread all over the kitchen table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then back at the table.

    Finally, he smiles, gently takes her hand, and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re never going to turn these pieces into a rooster.”

    “Second, let’s make ourselves a nice cup of tea…”

    “…and then we’ll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • 90-Year-Old at His Check-Up

    A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The doctor considered his question for a moment and then began. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

    He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?

    The 90-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

    The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Addicted to brake fluid

    Sure, I might be addicted to brake fluid.

    But I can stop anytime.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.

    Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.

  • My Cousin Walter’s Pet Problem

    A few months ago, my cousin Walter showed up at the emergency room with a cat lodged in his ass.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The family decided to write it off as a freak accident and agreed never to mention it again.

    But a few days later, he was back in the hospital! Different cat. Same ass.

    So yesterday, when I saw Walter at the pet store in the mall trying to buy another cat, I stopped him and said:

    “Walter, every cat you buy ends up stuck in your ass. At this point, you have to admit the cats aren’t the problem.”

    Walter sighed and replied:

    “Okay, genius. How the hell do you suggest I get the gerbil out?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Injured playing peekaboo

    Last week, I was injured pretty badly playing a game of peekaboo. They had to put me in the ICU.