Tone: deadpan

Deadpan humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Two Medical Students Diagnose an Old Man Walking Stiff-Legged

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

    One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

    The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

    Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

    The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

    The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

    The old man said, “I thought it was gas — but I was wrong, too!”

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  • Dry Erase Boards

    Dry erase boards were a remarkable invention.

  • Baggage

    At the airport, a man handed over three suitcases.

    “One to LA, one to Boston, and one to Orlando.”

    The check-in agent said, “Sir, we can’t split up your luggage like that.”

    He said, “Why not? You managed it perfectly on my last flight.”

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  • Military Family Tradition

    On the first day of boot camp, a US Army drill instructor lined up his recruits.

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    Unleash Chaos

    “I’m curious as to how many of you come from military families. Did anyone in your family serve?” He points at one recruit.

    “Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My father served in Iraq during the War on Terror.”

    “Good,” says the D.I. “What about you?” He points at another recruit.

    “Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My grandfather served in Desert Storm.”

    “Good,” says the D.I. “What about you?” He points at another recruit.

    “Yes sir!” The recruit answers. “My great-great grandfather fought at Normandy!”

    “Ah, the finest day in the history of the United States military,” the D.I. says. “1st Infantry? 82nd Airborne?”

    “No sir,” the recruit answers. “The 21st Panzer division.”

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  • They Finished Your Mom’s Dildo

    They Finished Your Mom’s Dildo

    They finished your mom’s dildo.

  • This Corner Available

    This Corner Available

    Oh look — this corner available. Your mom quit her job.

  • What To Do With Your Opinion

    What To Do With Your Opinion

    What To Do With Your Opinion

    1. Unwrap your opinion.

    2. Moisten your opinion with water or water-based lubricating jelly (such as KY Brand).

    3. Lie on your left side and bend your right knee up towards your chest. Gently push your opinion into your rectum so that is deep enough to not come out.

  • This Is Exactly What I Was Afraid Of

    This Is Exactly What I Was Afraid Of

    [doctor looking at my xrays]

    doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

    me: what

    doctor: skeletons

  • Or Get the Hose Again

    Or Get the Hose Again

    ROSES ARE FOR VASES
    LOTION’S FOR THE SKIN
    YOU WILL BE MY VALENTINE
    OR GET THE HOSE AGAIN.

  • Small Pinch

    Small Pinch

    DOCTOR: ur gonna feel a small pinch

    ME: ouch

    DOCTOR: alright I’m done pinching u, tell me why ur here