Tone: humor

Humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Born without a chin

    Little Johnny’s mom sits him down before they go visit their neighbor who just had a baby boy.

    “Listen to me very carefully,” she says. “The poor baby was born without a chin because of a rare genetic condition. His mother is extremely sensitive about it. If you make even the tiniest comment about his chin, you are grounded for a whole month. Got it?”

    Johnny nods obediently.

    They arrive, chat for a while, and then Johnny turns to the new mom with a sweet smile and asks:

    “When your son grows up, will he move out of the house one day?”

    “Yes, of course, hopefully when he goes to college.”

    “Will he wash his own bedsheets?”

    “Well, who else is going to wash them? Yes.”

    “And will he iron them too?”

    “Yes, he’ll iron them.”

    “And put them away in the closet?”

    “Obviously, where else would they go?”

    “So, how is he going to fold them?”

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  • An artist needed glasses…

    An artist needed glasses, but like many artists, she didn’t have health insurance.

    An ophthalmologist who admired her work offered a deal: he’d cover the cost of everything except the office visit if she’d paint a mural in his waiting room.

    Two weeks later, the artist had her new glasses and spent the weekend painting the mural. On Monday, the doctor and his staff arrived, eager to see what she’d created.

    The artist proudly ushered them in. Every wall was covered with eyes — some open, some closed, some long-lashed, in shades of brown, blue, green, and hazel. One even had a single teardrop.

    “So,” asked the artist, “what do you think?”

    The doctor paused, looked around the room, and said, “I think I’m glad I’m not a gynecologist.”

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  • Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!

    A woman had a male parrot for a pet, but he always embarrassed her whenever she brought a man home. As soon as she walked in with someone, the parrot would squawk, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

    Finally, in desperation, the woman went to her local pet shop and asked the owner for advice.

    “You need a female parrot to keep him company,” said the proprietor. “I can order one for you. In the meantime, you can borrow this female owl until she arrives.”

    The woman took the owl home and placed it near her parrot. The parrot just stared at the owl in silence.

    That night, she brought a gentleman friend back to her apartment. As soon as they walked in, the parrot screeched, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

    The owl blinked and asked, “Who? Who?”

    And the parrot shouted, “Not you, you big-eyed bitch!”

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  • Three men find a harem

    Three guys were traveling through Saudi Arabia when they accidentally stumbled into a harem tent filled with over a hundred beautiful women.

    They started getting friendly with the women when suddenly the Sheik burst in and shouted, “I am the master of all these women! No one else may touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you’ve done. Your punishment will correspond to your profession.”

    He turned to the first man and asked, “What do you do for a living?”

    “I’m a cop,” the first man said.

    “Then we will shoot your penis off!” declared the Sheik.

    Next, he turned to the second man. “And you?”

    “I’m a fireman.”

    “Then we will burn your penis off!”

    Finally, the Sheik turned to the third man. “And what do you do for a living?”

    The third man grinned and said, “I’m a lollipop salesman.”

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  • Princess No More: An Alliance in Love

    My last girlfriend demanded to be treated as a princess.
    Boy was she mad when I married her off to secure an alliance with France.

  • My wife has been having an affair with the mailman.

    A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”

    “What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”

    “That’s right,” says the first guy.

    “Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”

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  • How is your mother-in-law?

    I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over. As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”

    I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”

    Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”

    Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”

    A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”

    I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”

    He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”

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  • Trycocksagain: A New Hope for Lesbians

    The FDA just approved a medication for lesbians with depression.
    It’s called Trycocksagain.

  • Blind at the Beach: Finding Clarity

    How do you spot a blind person at a nude beach?
    It’s not hard.

  • How’d you get the black eye?

    Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both sporting black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says, “So, how’d you get the black eye?”
    The other man replies, “Well, it was a Freudian slip.”
    “What’s that?” the first asks.
    “It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say another that reveals what you’re really thinking,” explains the second.
    The first man nods. “Oh. So what happened?”
    “Well,” says the second, “I was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest boobs I’d ever seen. So when I meant to say ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’—hence the black eye.”
    The first guy laughs and says, “That’s funny, something similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the jam,’ but I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!’”

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