Tone: humor

Humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Mule-icious Courtroom Comeback!

    Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

    In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

    Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”

    “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?!”

    Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

    Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

    “I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

    “Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

    “Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?””

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  • Sherlock Bones: Mystery-Solving Pup!

  • Check for Alive: Doctor’s Brainy Defense

    In the courtroom, the defense lawyer is examining the witness.

    “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

    “No.”

    “Did you check for blood pressure?”

    “No.”

    “Did you check for breathing?”

    “No.”

    “So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

    “No.”

    “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

    “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

    “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”

    “Yes, it is possible he could have been alive… and even practicing law somewhere.”

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  • Turpentine: A Horse’s Diarrhea Cure?

    A young farmer is having trouble with one of his horses, which is suffering from diarrhea. He doesn’t know what to do, so he seeks advice from the old farmer down the road.

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    “Farmer John, surely you’ve seen this problem before. What should I do with a horse with diarrhea?” he asks.

    Farmer John smiles and says, “Well, a few years back one of my horses had that problem, and I gave him a drink of turpentine.”

    Relieved to have an answer, the young farmer runs home and administers the same treatment to his horse.

    Sadly, the next morning his horse is dead. He runs back over to Farmer John’s place.

    “John, I gave my horse turpentine, but he died!” the young farmer says.

    Farmer John nods thoughtfully and says, “Aye… mine did too.”

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  • Polar Bear Identity Crisis!

    One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?”

    “Of course, son” replied the father. “you are 100 percent polar bear”

    A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”

    The father put a loving paw on the son’s head. “Son,” he said “I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear.”

    The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?”

    By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?”

    The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!!!”

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  • Proudly Sinful in Just Thirty Minutes!

    “Father, I committed all seven deadly sins in thirty minutes.”

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    “Wow,” the priest says. “I’ve got to hear this.”

    “I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, ate all his groceries, and didn’t share.”

    “You forgot pride,” the priest says.

    “No,” I say. “I’m pretty proud of this.”

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  • Dave’s Daring Claim: Hollywood Reunion!

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

    “No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

    “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a chat!”

    Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

    “Iron Mike Tyson” his boss quickly retorts.

    “Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to New York,” and off they go.

    When they get there, Tyson spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to the gym, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a catch up.”

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave Iron Mike Tyson’s house he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    “Pope Benedict” his boss replies.

    “Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

    His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, “wait a minute, who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?”

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  • Love, Laughter, and Aging Surprises!

    A 22-year-old woman seduces a wealthy 85-year-old man.

    She figures, how bad could it be? He’s worth millions — maybe she’ll even marry him. The first night, she’s naked in the bedroom, waiting for him to come out of the bathroom.

    The old man walks out with a huge erection, a box of condoms, earplugs, and a clothespin.

    “What are those for?!” she yells.

    The old man says, “There are two things I can’t stand… the sound of a screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber.”

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  • Diesel Dreams: When Truckers Improvise

  • Sweet Escape: Oreo Edition