Humor Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

From Despair to Hope: A Healing Shift

I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.

But after the first two, I felt better.

I went to the gym the other day and my favorite machine was broken.

I couldn’t get any chocolate or Coke or anything.

What would bears be without bees?

Ears

My wife accused me of liking my relatives more than hers. I told her that was absolutely not true.

I thought her mother-in-law was much nicer than mine.

Once long ago I got a job hosing women down for wet T-shirt contests. It was $2 an hour.

It was all I could afford at the time.

I just left the doctor’s office. He told me he wants me on clear liquids for the next 24 hours.

Between the rum, vodka, and gin, I shouldn’t run out.

I just rented a limo for $500, then learned that fee doesn’t even include a driver.

So I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!

I woke up to an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

My instinct was to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized that one should never make rash decisions!

I interviewed 10,000 thousand people who had played Russian roulette and not a single one of them were harmed from the game.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.