What’s worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.
Tone: humor
Humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Single, huh?
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
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Man goes to the dermatologist with a strange skin condition
A man visits his dermatologist because his skin has become strangely pink and rubbery, like a ham. It’s like this all over his body.
The doctor asks him if he has any clue what could have caused this change, and the man admits that he recently tried out a hygiene tip he read about online: rubbing salt all over himself and sleeping while covered in it.
The man says “Surely there’s some way to fix this before it gets any worse?”
The doctor just says “You’re already cured.”
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Anonymous Tips: Surprising Similarities Unveiled
What do police hotlines and glory holes have in common?
Both rely on anonymous tips.
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Cheese Wheel Tragedy: A Photographer’s Last Shot
A wedding photographer was today tragically crushed by a 200lb wheel of cheese that fell off the catering truck.
The guests all tried to warn him…
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The tired lawyer
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’
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Stretching Sentences: A Lawyer’s Favorite Workout
A lawyer’s favorite exercise is stretching one sentence into six billable pages.
