Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Homeless Flu Shots Caring Community

    Homeless Flu Shots Caring Community

  • Smoke Comes Out Blue Boy Pink Girl

    Smoke Comes Out Blue Boy Pink Girl

  • The Catholic Type the Salvation Army Type and the Baptist Type

    A man walked into the ladies section of a department store.

    He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

    “What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

    “Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?”

    “Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material.

    “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only 3 types of bras,” replied the salesclerk.

    Confused, the man asked, “What are the 3 types?”

    The saleslady replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

    Still confused, the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”

    The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple… The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

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  • Where Are You Going to Get a Lawyer

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

    So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

    After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

    Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

    God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”

    Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?!”

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  • She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed

    A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:

    Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

    Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”

    Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”

    Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”

    Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”

    Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”

    Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”

    Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”

    Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

    Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”

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  • For the Third Time I Want Chicken

    An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.

    It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.

    So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

    The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”

    She thought this was a great idea.

    When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    There was no response.

    She moved 10 feet closer.

    Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    No response.

    She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.

    She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”

    Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

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  • I Remembered Where I Left My Bike

    A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”

    “I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”

    The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”

    “When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”

    That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”

    “Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”

    The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”

    “I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”

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  • The Egg Timers Broken

    This morning my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

    As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

    My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”

    Not wanting to lose a moment, I didn’t waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

    Afterwards she said, “Thanks!” and returned to the stove.

    More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

    She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”

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  • The Pastor Under the Bed

    A young doctor moves to a small community to replace an older doctor who is retiring.

    The older doctor suggests that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds so the community can get used to the new doctor.

    At the first house, a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

    The older doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on how much you’re eating and see if that helps.”

    As they leave, the younger doctor says, “You didn’t even examine her! How did you come to that diagnosis so quickly?”

    “Ah,” the older doctor replies. “You noticed I dropped my stethoscope? When I bent down to pick it up, I saw a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That’s probably what’s been making her sick.”

    “Pretty clever,” the younger doctor says. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

    At the next stop, they visit a younger woman who says she’s been feeling terribly run-down and just doesn’t have the energy she used to.

    The young doctor nods and says, “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church. You should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

    As they leave, the older doctor says, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is probably right, she’s very active in the church. But how did you arrive at it?”

    “I did what you did,” the young doctor says. “I dropped my stethoscope, and when I bent down to pick it up, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”

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  • Blows It Back Up Again

    One night, a little boy walked into his parents room after he’d woken from a nightmare.

    When he opened the door, he saw his mother bouncing up and down on his father’s lap.

    Confused, he quickly closed the door and went back to bed.

    The next morning at breakfast after his father had left for work, the little boy asked his mother why she was bouncing on his dad last night.

    A bit embarrassed and taken off guard, mum thought for a moment before answering, “Well, you know how daddy has a big belly? Sometimes I have to bounce on it to make it flatter.”

    The little boy nodded, taking a mouthful of cereal before replying, “Well, I wouldn’t bother if I were you.”

    “Why?” asked his mum, confused.

    The boy finished his mouthful and told her, “Because every weekend when you go to visit grandma, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up again…”

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