Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • She Likes It That Way

    Mrs. Schwartz is in synagogue. The worshippers rise as the ark is opened. Mr. Goldstein, in the pew behind Mrs. Schwartz, notices that her dress is, er, caught between her buttocks. Thinking to correct the situation, he reaches forward and pulls the offending fabric free.

    Mrs. Schwartz turns around and furiously scolds him: how dare you, etc, etc. Her friends join in and Mr. Goldstein’s wife is mortified and apologetic.

    The following week, at the same time, Mr. Goldstein’s hand once again makes contact with Mrs. Schwartz’s bottom. Again, chaos ensues. Afterwards, Mrs. Goldstein wrathfully asks her husband what in the WORLD was he thinking?

    He replies: “I’m mystified myself. Last week, her dress was caught between her buttocks, and I thought I was doing her a favor by fixing it. This week, I saw her dress was hanging free. I simply wanted to put her dress back between her buttocks. I happen to know she likes it that way!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Thats a Microwave

    A blonde walked into an appliance store and told the clerk that she liked to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Very politely the clerk told her that the store didn’t service to blondes. She was just about to say something when she got an idea. She went home and dyed her hair black.

    The very next day, she went to the store and told the same clerk she had talked to the day before, that she would like to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Then politely the clerk told her that he already told her the day before that the store didn’t service to blondes.

    She looked surprised and asked him, how did you know I was the blonde from yesterday?

    How did I know, the clerk said, ’cause that’s a microwave.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Explain It Five Times

    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender “Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225 lb and he’s a blond weight lifter,” he continues, “The fella to your right is blond, 6’5″ and pushing 300 lb and he’s a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

    The blind guy goes: “Nah! Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Fool Me -(n) Times

    Fool me zero times, shame on nobody.

    Fool me -(n) times, where nA = {x ∈ ℝ | 0 < x ≤ 1}, -(shame) on you.

  • Grassy Ass

    Grassy Ass

  • Small World

    Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through (which is proper golf etiquette).

    After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

    He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

    The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small world.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Her Story vs His Story

    A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

    Her story:

    He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

    Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

    Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don’t know, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else????

    His story:

    Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin’ though.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Perfect Day According to Him and Her

    The Perfect Day According to Him and Her

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HER

    8:45 WAKE UP TO HUGS AND KISSES
    9:00 3 KILOS LIGHTER ON THE SCALES
    9:30 LIGHT BREAKFAST
    11:00 SUNBATHE
    12:30 LUNCH WITH BEST FRIEND AT OUTDOOR CAFE
    1:45 SHOPPING
    2:20 RUN INTO BOYFRIEND’S/HUSBAND’S EX — NOTICE SHE HAS GAINED 20LBS
    3:00 FACIAL, MASSAGE, NAP
    7:30 CANDLELIGHT DINNER FOR TWO AND DANCING
    10:00 MAKE LOVE
    11:30 PILLOW TALK IN HIS BIG STRONG ARMS

    THE PERFECT DAY ACCORDING TO HIM

    10:00 WAKE UP
    10:02 ORAL SEX
    10:10 BIG COOKED BREAKFAST
    11:30 DRIVE UP THE COAST IN FERRARI WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
    2:15 ENORMOUS LUNCH
    3:15 ORAL SEX WITH GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS
    3:25 PLAY SPORTS WITH THE GUYS
    4:30 DRINK BEER WITH THE GUYS
    6:30 MEET ELLE MACPHERSON
    6:40 ORAL SEX WITH ELLE MACPHERSON
    6:50 HUGE DINNER, MORE BEER
    8:00 USE ALL COMPONENTS OF HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM MAKING SURE ALL THE REMOTES WORK
    11:00 FULL ON, GET DOWN, GORILLA SEX WITH EITHER ELLE MACPHERSON, GORGEOUS BABE WITH BIG HOOTERS OR BOTH
    11:10 SLEEP

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Difference Between Men and Women in One Paragraph

    The difference between men and women in one paragraph:

    A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: “PIG!!”

    The man immediately leans out his window and replies “BITCH.”

    They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • If Men Were Pregnant

    If Men were Pregnant

    Maternity leave would last two years … with full pay

    There would be a cure for stretch marks

    Natural childbirth would become obsolete

    Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem

    All methods of birth control would be 100% effective

    Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

    Men would be eager to talk about commitment

    They wouldn’t think twins were so cute

    Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

    Briefcases would be used as diaper bags

    Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

    They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

    Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

    Women would rule the world

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail