Topic: medical

Medical jokes, doctor-office awkwardness, hospital humor, and body-related disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • 90-Year-Old at His Check-Up

    A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?

    The doctor considered his question for a moment and then began. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

    He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?

    The 90-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

    The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

  • Lousy at Golf

    This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.

    “What’s your daily activity level like?” the doctor asks.

    “Why do you ask?”

    “Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…”

    The guy shrugs. “Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush.”

    “Well, that sounds pretty good,” the doctor comments.

    “That’s nothing,” the guy says. “The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears.”

    “That sounds really impressive.”

    “And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”

    “Well,” the doctor says, “it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!”

    “Nah,” the guy replies, “I’m just real lousy at golf.”

  • Vasectomy Consultation Compliment

    The doctor walked in for my vasectomy consultation and said, “Now THIS is what I call a beautiful penis!”

    Then he zipped up his pants and asked me to undress for the exam.

  • Two Medical Students Diagnose an Old Man Walking Stiff-Legged

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

    He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

    One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

    The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

    Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

    The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

    The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

    The old man said, “I thought it was gas — but I was wrong, too!”

  • What To Do With Your Opinion

    What To Do With Your Opinion

    What To Do With Your Opinion

    1. Unwrap your opinion.

    2. Moisten your opinion with water or water-based lubricating jelly (such as KY Brand).

    3. Lie on your left side and bend your right knee up towards your chest. Gently push your opinion into your rectum so that is deep enough to not come out.

  • This Is Exactly What I Was Afraid Of

    This Is Exactly What I Was Afraid Of

    [doctor looking at my xrays]

    doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

    me: what

    doctor: skeletons

  • Watt Is Love

    Watt Is Love

    Watt is love?
    Baby don’t herz me
    don’t herz me
    no morse

  • Or Get the Hose Again

    Or Get the Hose Again

    ROSES ARE FOR VASES
    LOTION’S FOR THE SKIN
    YOU WILL BE MY VALENTINE
    OR GET THE HOSE AGAIN.

  • Still No Idea

    Still No Idea

    WHAT DO YOU CALL A DEER WITH NO EYES?

    NO IDEA

    AND NO LEGS

    STILL NO IDEA

  • Small Pinch

    Small Pinch

    DOCTOR: ur gonna feel a small pinch

    ME: ouch

    DOCTOR: alright I’m done pinching u, tell me why ur here