Topic: medical

Medical jokes, doctor-office awkwardness, hospital humor, and body-related disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • The Pirate and His Moles

    A pirate went to a dermatologist to look at some suspicious moles on his back.

    The doctor assured him that they’re benign.

    “Arrrrgh,” said the pirate, “check again because when I counted there be ten!”

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  • The Medical Student’s Diagnosis

    While making his rounds, a doctor points to an X-ray and addresses a group of medical students.

    “As you can see,” he says, “this patient limps because his left tibia and fibula are severely bowed.”

    The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

    “Well,” says the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

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  • The Witch Doctor’s Second Opinion

    A sailor on leave in the south Pacific finds that his whoring and carrying on has caught up with him and he’s come down with a horrible venereal disease of some kind. So, he consults the ship’s surgeon and is mortified when the doctor tells him that there’s nothing else for it — the organ must be amputated.

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    Desperate for an alternative, he tries consulting local doctors, nurses, medicine men — whoever he can find. Way out in the boonies, he consults a witch doctor on the problem and explains that he desperately wants to avoid the amputation.

    The witch doctor looks at him with a frown and a sigh. “Those western doctors — all they know how to do is cut, cut, cut! There’s no need for that.”

    “So, we don’t have to amputate!?”

    “Not at all. Two… three more weeks and it’ll fall off on its own.”

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  • The Tailor and the Terrible Headaches

    Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years. Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:

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    “Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration. You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”

    Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.

    When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache. As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life. Maybe even a new wardrobe.

    He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, why not?

    He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”

    Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”

    “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.

    Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.

    “How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.

    Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”

    “Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”

    “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.

    After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already. Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    “Sure,” Fred said.

    The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”

    Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”

    The tailor shook his head and said:

    “You can’t wear size 34. Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”

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  • Mabel and the Breathalyzer

    An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.

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    She reached speeds of 5 mph, but in her mind she was zooming at breakneck speed. The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.

    “Hold it right there, Mabel!” said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop. “I need to see your driver’s license.” Mabel reached into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids. The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.

    A few minutes later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they’ve had reports of a stolen car that matches the description of the scooter. Rose asks to see her registration, and Mabel procures an expired coupon from her purse. Rose examines it and tells Mabel she’s free to go. Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.

    She takes a wrong turn into George’s room and comes to a stop. George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his penis in his hand.

    “Oh damn,” says Mabel. “Not the breathalyzer again.”

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  • Warm Milk and Viagra at the Nursing Home

    A man was at the nursing home asking his father how the nursing home is doing. His father told him everyone treats him nice, the food is good, and every evening they get a warm glass of milk and a Viagra pill.

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    Outraged, the man jumps on the first orderly he sees and asks him why they are giving his father a Viagra pill with a warm glass of milk at night!

    The orderly explains, “The milk makes them sleepy and the Viagra stops them from rolling out of bed at night.”

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  • The Insurance Money and the Granite Countertops

    We now have the technology to build a new penis…

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    Doctor Cohen comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

    The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”

    The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

    Max agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day. “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

    “Yes I have,” says Max. “We’re getting granite counter tops.”

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  • Now This Is a Big Beautiful Penis

    At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor said, “Now THIS is a big, beautiful penis!”

    Then he pulled his pants back up and told me to get undressed.

  • It’s Pronounced Anally

    My doctor told me I’m at an age where I need a colonoscopy annually.

    I’m a bit worried. He’s a doctor and should know it’s pronounced anally.

  • The Doctor’s Good News

    A guy’s mother-in-law comes to live with him…

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    One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

    The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

    The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad news.”

    The guy says, “Alright, give me the bad news first.”

    The doctor says, “Your mother-in-law is not going to die. She had a massive stroke, but she is probably going to live another 20-30 years. The problem is the stroke has rendered her unable to speak. She just makes this horrible screeching noise like a parrot now. It has also disabled her ability to use her arms. For the next 20-30 years you are going to have to feed her baby food 3 times a day. Also, it’s made her incontinent, so you’re going to have to change her diapers and clean her up every single day for the next 20-30 years.”

    “Oh my gosh,” the guy said. “What’s the good news?”

    The doctor chuckles and goes, “I’m just kidding with you… she died.”

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