Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Island Duty Roster Beats Romantic Getaway

    A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.

    The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

    They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

    Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”

    They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”

  • Virgin Birth Claims Destroyed by Medical Reality

    A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Your daughter is pregnant.”

    The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex before marriage.

    The doctor faced the window and silently looked out to the horizon.

    The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

    “Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again and confirm this very rare immaculate conception.”

  • Caught in the Rain, Caught in Bed

    A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband’s home early!”

    The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there!”

    She said, “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!”

    So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

    One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”

    He answered, while gasping for air, “Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

    The other runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”

    The nude man answered breathlessly, “Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

    The runner then asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

    He replied, “Only if it’s raining.”

  • Insufficient Funds ATM

    Insufficient Funds ATM

    I think banks should do a better job by keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fifth one I’ve been to, kept saying “insufficient funds” 🙄😐

  • Condom Saves the Day

    “First,” said the playboy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”

    “Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.

    “Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.”

    “Oh no you’re not.”

    “Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”

    “Oh no you’re not.”

    “Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.”

    “Oh no you’re not.”

    “And I’m not going to wear a condom either!” said the guy.

    “Oh yes you are!” said the girl

  • Ohio Owes Buddy Holly an Apology

    If Ohio is the birthplace of both aviation and rock and roll, I’d say they owe that Buddy Holly fella an apology.

  • Wife Plays Dead During Doggie Style

    Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

    “Does your wife ever … well, you know … does she … well, let you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.

    “Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s into the dog trick aspect of it.”

    “Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”

    “Well… not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead.”

  • The Cab Driver’s Creative Payment Plan

    A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

    So the wife comes into the doctor’s office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

    The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”

  • Gender Pay Gap Flipped

    Gender Pay Gap Flipped

    This quarantine is affecting everyone in the work force, but it especially sucks for men

    We’re losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

  • Depressed And Miserable

    Depressed And Miserable

    Last year I was miserable and depressed but this year I turned that shit around so I’m depressed and miserable now