Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Adam and the Cost of a Mate

    After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

    God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always, and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.”

    Adam thought for a second and said, “That’s a bit steep, what can I get for a rib?”

  • The Genie and the Two Wishes

    A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.

    The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”

    The genie says, “Check your pants.”

    The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”

    And the genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”

  • I Have Never Been a Mourning Person

    I have a friend who passed away recently and they are having the funeral at 7am. I’ve decided not to go… I have never been a mourning person.

  • The Twenty-Dollar Tomatoes

    A guy went to a supermarket to buy 2 tomatoes.

    At the checkout, the clerk said, “That’ll be $20.”

    The guy was upset. “Two tomatoes for $20? Are you out of your mind?!”

    The clerk said, “That’s the price, you want them or not?”

    The guy said, “I don’t want them, and you know what you can do with them?”

    The clerk said, “I can’t, there’s already a $10 cucumber there.”

  • Grandma in the Lineup

    A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…

    One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

    The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

    Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

    Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

    “Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.

    A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

    When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

    Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”

  • David and the Nasty Parrot

    For his birthday, David got a parrot. But this wasn’t your average, sweet-talking bird — oh no. This parrot was fully grown, had a nasty attitude, and a mouth worse than a sailor on bad coffee. Every other word was rude, offensive, or downright unrepeatable. David tried everything to fix this feathered menace. He spoke kindly to it, played soft music, even tried classical music — nothing worked.

    The more polite David was, the more disrespectful the parrot became. He yelled, it yelled louder. He threatened it, it cursed him out. It was like living with a feathery little gangster.

    One day, at his wit’s end, David lost it. In desperation, he gently shoved the parrot into the freezer for a few seconds — just to cool him off.

    The bird went wild — squawking, scratching, kicking the door — then suddenly… silence.

    Panicked, David flung open the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out, eyes wide and feathers frosty, and said in the most polite tone: “Sir, I deeply apologize for my past behavior. I have seen the error of my ways and will make every effort to be a model citizen from now on. Please forgive me.”

    David stood stunned. Before he could speak, the parrot leaned forward and whispered, “May I ask, what exactly did the poor chicken do?”

  • The Soldier Who Broke Cover

    A sergeant yelled at one of his soldiers, “Why did you blow your cover and run out of the bushes?”

    “Sorry, sir. I didn’t move when the dog peed on me. I didn’t move when a snake crawled over me.”

    Sergeant: “Then what happened?”

    “Well sir, two squirrels ran up my pants, and one said, ‘Let’s eat one now, and save the other for winter!’ That’s when I lost it!”