Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”
The genie says, “Check your pants.”
The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”
And the genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”
I have a friend who passed away recently and they are having the funeral at 7am. I’ve decided not to go… I have never been a mourning person.
A guy went to a supermarket to buy 2 tomatoes.
At the checkout, the clerk said, “That’ll be $20.”
The guy was upset. “Two tomatoes for $20? Are you out of your mind?!”
The clerk said, “That’s the price, you want them or not?”
The guy said, “I don’t want them, and you know what you can do with them?”
The clerk said, “I can’t, there’s already a $10 cucumber there.”
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”
For his birthday, David got a parrot. But this wasn’t your average, sweet-talking bird — oh no. This parrot was fully grown, had a nasty attitude, and a mouth worse than a sailor on bad coffee. Every other word was rude, offensive, or downright unrepeatable. David tried everything to fix this feathered menace. He spoke kindly to it, played soft music, even tried classical music — nothing worked.
The more polite David was, the more disrespectful the parrot became. He yelled, it yelled louder. He threatened it, it cursed him out. It was like living with a feathery little gangster.
One day, at his wit’s end, David lost it. In desperation, he gently shoved the parrot into the freezer for a few seconds — just to cool him off.
The bird went wild — squawking, scratching, kicking the door — then suddenly… silence.
Panicked, David flung open the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out, eyes wide and feathers frosty, and said in the most polite tone: “Sir, I deeply apologize for my past behavior. I have seen the error of my ways and will make every effort to be a model citizen from now on. Please forgive me.”
David stood stunned. Before he could speak, the parrot leaned forward and whispered, “May I ask, what exactly did the poor chicken do?”
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for Joe Biden and Barack Obama to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both Biden and Obama were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, Obama asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”
The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves… and that’s how I’d like to go.”
