Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Expensive Penis Research Reaches Obvious Conclusions

    University of North Carolina sex researchers wanted to find out why the head of a man’s penis generally is wider than the shaft. After six years of study costing $950,000, the researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis generally is wider than the shaft because it gave the man more pleasure.

    Mills researchers read the report and didn’t agree, so they conducted their own study. It took a year and cost $975,000. The Mills researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis generally is wider than the shaft because it gave the woman more pleasure.

    A Harvard researcher read both reports and decided to conduct his own research. Working alone, his study took a week and cost 75 cents. His conclusion: The head of a man’s penis generally is wider than the shaft to keep his hand from flying off.

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  • Doorknob Trouble: Passionate Bathroom Encounter Goes Wrong

    This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”

    He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her. When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, “What’s wrong honey? Didn’t you come? Do you want more?”

    His wife said, “No, no, it’s not that. I’m just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!”

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  • The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

    Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

    1. you don’t have to look your best

    2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

    3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

    4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

    5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

    6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

    7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

    8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

    9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

    10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

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  • Grandpa’s Sexual Decline Through the Years

    A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time…and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year…maybe on your anniversary.”

    The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well, how about you and Grandma now?”

    His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex.”

    “What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.

    “Well,” Grandpa said, “she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ‘Screw You,’ and I holler back, ‘Screw You too!’”

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  • John’s Compliment Comes Back to Haunt Him

    John receives a phone call.

    “Hello,” he answers.

    The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.”

    John: “Hmm… Susan? About 3 months ago?”

    Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”

    John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?”

    Susan: “I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”

    John: “Say, you ARE a good sport.”

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  • This Little Piggy

    You’d think that at some point the little piggy that went to market might swing by the pharmacy and pick up something for the one with the uncontrollable bladder.

  • Walmart Twins

    A homely woman walks into Walmart with two children — a five-year-old boy and a ten-year-old boy.

    The greeter says, “Welcome to Walmart. Your boys must be twins.”

    The woman says, “What the hell makes you think they’re twins? One’s five and the other’s ten.”

    The greeter replies, “I just can’t imagine anyone fucking you twice.”

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  • You Can’t Milk a Cow for 2,000 Years

    Draft only — do not auto-publish.

    Content note: religion-targeted insult humor. Review before publishing.

    What’s the difference between a cow and a crucifixion?

    You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

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  • Brother After Brother, Vodka After Vodka

    A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

    The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

    “Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

    The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

    On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

    The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

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  • Whoopee Cushion in the Library

    People may think of whoopee cushions as an old joke, but then they probably haven’t experienced the hilarity to be found at a quiet, crowded library.