Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Office Profanity Code System Hilariously Revealed

    Interoffice Memo

    It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

    OLD PHRASE | NEW PHRASE

    No fucking way. | I’m not certain that’s feasible.

    You’ve got to be shitting me? | Really?

    Tell someone who gives a shit. | Perhaps you should check with:

    Ask me if I give a shit. | Of course I’m concerned.

    It’s not my fucking problem. | I wasn’t involved in that project.

    What the fuck? | Interesting behavior:

    Fuck it, it won’t work. | I’m not sure I can implement this.

    Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner? | I’ll try to reschedule that.

    When the fuck do you expect me to do this? | Perhaps I can work late?

    Who the fuck cares. | Are you sure it’s a problem?

    He’s got his head up his ass. | He’s not familiar with the problem.

    Eat shit. | You don’t say?

    Eat shit and die. | Excuse me?

    Eat shit and die motherfucker. | Excuse me, sir?

    What the fuck do they want from me? | They weren’t happy with it?

    Kiss my ass. | So, would you like my help with that?

    Fuck it, I’m on salary. | I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

    Shove it up your ass. | I don’t think you understand.

    This job sucks shit. | I love a challenge.

    Who the hell died and made you boss? | You want me to take care of this?

    Blow me. | I see.

    Blow yourself. | Do you see?

    Another fucking meeting? | Yes, we should discuss this.

    I don’t really give a shit. | I don’t think it will be a problem.

    He’s fucking retarded. | He’s confused.

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  • Caught Napping: Creative Excuses for Workplace Sleeping

    If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job

    “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
    “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
    “I was working smarter – not harder.”
    “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
    “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
    “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
    “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
    “I was trying to remember where that difficult ‘Z’ Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
    “I’m in the management training program.”
    “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
    “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
    “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
    “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
    “Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
    “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
    “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
    “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
    “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
    “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
    “The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
    “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”

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  • Monday Sickness: A Suspicious Pattern

    The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him.

    The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

    The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

    Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

    The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.” Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday.

    Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. “What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.”

    The man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another, and we end up having sex all day long.”

    “Your sister!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting.”

    The man says, “I told you I was sick.”

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  • Jack and Jill’s Unexpected Workplace Showdown

    There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.

    Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”

    He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”

    To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”

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  • Yellow French’s

    If Saddam Hussein ever kills me with mustard gas, I hope it’s the yellow French’s kind, and not that brown Dijon stuff. I always hated that foo-foo gourmet crap.

  • Taco City Beans

    Taco City Beans

    CAUTION: GAS LINE CALL BEFORE YOU DRILL

    TACO CITY

    BEANS

    8.

  • How to Keep a Healthy Level of Sanity at Work

    Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

    Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

    Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

    Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

    “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

    While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”

    Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

    Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

    Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.

    Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”

    Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

    Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

    Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

    Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

    Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

    Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

    For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

    Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none… just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”

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  • Nothing Gets Done Between 7 and 10

    A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.

    “Yes, I was a Marine,” responded the applicant.

    “Did you see any active duty?”

    “I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability.”

    “May I ask what happened?”

    “Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”

    “You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m.”

    “When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”

    “Everyone else starts at 7 a.m. but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

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  • Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work

    While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

    1. It’s an incentive to show up.

    2. It reduces stress.

    3. It leads to more honest communications.

    4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

    5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers from the night before with another drink.

    6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

    7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

    8. It encourages carpooling.

    9. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

    10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

    11. It makes fellow employees look better.

    12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

    13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

    14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

    15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

    16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas party.

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  • Eat the Sauce

    I wonder if the French word for “eat” is “app,” ’cause then the word “applesauce” would be “eat-the-sauce” in France, and I bet those dirty French would hate that.