Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or two.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at a hundred yards.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
David is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o’clock, last round is called, and although he knows he shouldn’t, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.
After the final beer, he slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor. This was not what he had expected. He knew he had some, but… He tries to get up but again he falls. After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home.
At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without awakening his wife.
The next morning his wife asks him furiously, “Were you drunk again last night?”
David is surprised and asks her how she knew.
“They just called from the bar. You left without your wheelchair again.”
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warnings may be appropriate.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
And instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant, the new guidelines should read…
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
16. Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.
15. September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, “Don’t worry, Barbara, I’ll pull out.”
13. Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.
12. “Look, Tom, we’ll keep the ‘endowed by their Creator’ part as is, but that ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of beer’ part needs work.”
11. It prevented the extinction of ugly people.
10. Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create the world’s first Dave & Buster’s.
9. The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.
8. March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand-new uniform for his “Hot Dog On A Stick” employees.
7. How else was Joseph gonna believe that “but I’m still a virgin” story?
6. Bartholomew: “Aww, BOGUS! I totally left the Master’s Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget everything!”
Luke: “Don’t sweat it, Dude. The Grail’ll turn up.”
5. There’s a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.
4. Fifteenth-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travel when hit by a broomstick.
3. “Hey, Adolph, I hear Poland has good beer.”
2. July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is “less filling.”
1. If the Dutch hadn’t brought that pre-dealmaking keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those twenty-four dollars’ worth of beads wouldn’t have looked so appealing.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a two-pound can of coffee, and a one-pound package of bacon.
15. Lord of the Bongs: The Return of My Buzz
14. There’s Something About Mary Jane
13. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Up
12. Merry Poppers
11. About Schlitz
10. King Bong
9. Giggly
8. S*T*A*S*H
7. Toke-lahoma!
6. Heroin Brockovich
5. Kilo & Snitch
4. The Matrix: Totally Loaded
3. Drool Hand ’Lude
2. Good Buy, Mr. Chips Ahoy!
1. Stingin’ in the Vein
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while, complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You’re at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC!!
