Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A little girl was usually driven to school by her Grandpa, but one day he had a bad cold, so her Grandma took her instead.
That night, the girl told her parents, “The drive with Grandma was really different today.”
“Oh? What made it different?” they asked.
“Well,” she said, “with Grandma, we didn’t see a single numb nuts, blind lady, idiot, or freakin’ moron on the road the whole way.”
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of the physical side of their relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered — “Is that one word, or two?”
Frank walked into “Miller’s Ranch” out in rural Arizona, looking to buy himself a good, dependable horse.
Old Mr. Miller said, “I’ve got the perfect one for you, but he was trained a little different — to make him go, you shout ‘Praise the Lord!’ and to make him stop, you yell ‘Hallelujah!’”
Frank chuckled and said, “Well, I’ve been married 40 years — I can remember two words. Let’s take him for a spin.”
Frank was grinning ear to ear, flying down the dusty trail, wind in his hair, feeling 25 again.
Then he noticed they were heading straight toward a steep canyon.
“Whoa!” he hollered — but the horse just kept running.
“Stop!” he yelled — still nothing.
Panicking, he tried every word he could think of, but that canyon was getting closer by the second.
Just a few feet from the edge, it hit him.
“Hallelujah!” Frank screamed.
The horse slid to a perfect stop inches from the drop-off.
Frank wiped his brow, looked up at the sky, put his hand over his heart, and said softly…
“Praise the Lord.”
During church yesterday, the pastor was 10 minutes into his sermon when he noticed his 7-year-old son in the balcony with a pea-shooter. The boy was leaning over the railing, carefully aiming and popping members of the congregation in the head. Just as the pastor was about to stop his sermon and give his son a public scolding, the boy hollered out, “You just keep preaching, Dad! I’ll keep ’em awake!”
