Tone: light-hearted

Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Two Percent On Math Quiz Called Milk

    Two Percent On Math Quiz Called Milk

  • Tryna Workout At Home

    Tryna Workout At Home

  • I Thought Ye Said a Protestant

    An Irish daughter left home for 5 years and returns.

    When she returns, her Father curses her badly.

    “Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

    The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”

    “Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

    “OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera.”

    “What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.

    Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”

    “Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Easy Peasy Lemons Queasy

    A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.

    The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, “Lads! We’re all round—let’s just roll home!” and immediately shot down the hill.

    The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.

    When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. “That was brilliant! Let’s do it again!”

    The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Have a Gun and I Know How to Use It

    An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

    The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I’ll Get Halfway Across and You’ll Turn the Light Off

    Two crazy guys are planning to escape the asylum. One night, they climb onto the roof. Across from them is another building.

    The first guy says, “I have my flashlight. I’ll turn it on, and you can walk across the beam of light to the other roof!”

    The second guy shakes his head and says, “What do you think I am, crazy? I know what you’ll do… I’ll get halfway across, and you’ll turn the light off!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Im William the Little Bastards Name Is Kevin

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”

    Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

    At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”

    Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

    “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Not Remotely Funny

    I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed.

    It turns out I’m not remotely funny.

  • Lady Leave Me Alone Im Married

    Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

    He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

    He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

    Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So’s the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

    His son is also at the table, eating.

    Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

    His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

    Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

    His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, ‘Lady leave me alone, I’m married!’”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • While He Drove People Prayed

    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

    Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

    The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

    St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

    He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

    St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

    “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail