Tone: light-hearted

Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • For the Third Time I Want Chicken

    An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.

    It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.

    So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

    The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”

    She thought this was a great idea.

    When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    There was no response.

    She moved 10 feet closer.

    Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    No response.

    She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.

    She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”

    Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • I Remembered Where I Left My Bike

    A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”

    “I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”

    The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”

    “When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”

    That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”

    “Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”

    The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”

    “I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Egg Timers Broken

    This morning my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

    As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

    My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”

    Not wanting to lose a moment, I didn’t waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

    Afterwards she said, “Thanks!” and returned to the stove.

    More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

    She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail
  • Uranus Means Your Butt

    Uranus Means Your Butt

  • I’d Like a Burger and Fries Please

    A blonde walks into a library…

    …and then says to the librarian, “Hi, I’d like a burger and fries please.”

    **Librarian:** Ma’am, this is a library.

    **Blonde:** Oh, sorry. (Whispering) “I’d like a burger and fries please.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail
  • Costco Kid On Leash Rescue

    Costco Kid On Leash Rescue

  • We Don’t Serve Food Here

    A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink…

    The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

  • I Could See Myself Working There

    They’re building a mirror factory in my town.

    I could see myself working there.

  • The Wrong Approach

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine, and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

    His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt, and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ … and she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Taking Steps to Avoid Them

    I’m scared of elevators…

    So I’m taking steps to avoid them.