Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
My 4-year-old grandson came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment… then ran to my bathroom and came back with my toothbrush.
He held it up with a charming little smile and said, “We better throw this one out too… ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”
God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always, and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.”
Adam thought for a second and said, “That’s a bit steep, what can I get for a rib?”
Petey Penguin goes on holiday to the land down under and takes a road trip across the Nullarbor Plain, a notoriously isolated road running for thousands of miles through hot, hot desert without a tree in sight.
After days of driving through endless harsh desert, the engine in his clapped-out combi starts to splutter and die. Through the rippling heat haze ahead of him, Petey thinks he can just make out a servo (petrol station) in the far distance.
With the air-con in his combi spurting out hot air and the engine spewing out smoke, he manages to limp the van into the shade of the servo.
Petey’s luck is in! Not only does the servo have a mechanic and workshop, but also a nice air-conditioned shop, complete with a full gelato (ice-cream) bar!
Petey explains his predicament to the friendly mechanic and then beats a retreat to the shop to cool down. Penguins aren’t great in the heat! He buys a whole tub of vanilla ice-cream and goes to town, like a dog at a tucker box, flippers to beak, no time for spoons, ice-cream flying everywhere!
After he’s recovered his cool, Petey waddles out to talk to the mechanic, who’s busy working on the car.
“Any idea what’s wrong with it?” Petey warbles nervously.
“Yeah-nah. Looks like you’ve blown a seal!” drawls the mechanic.
“No! It’s just ice-cream, honest!”
Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat.
Attendant says, “WTF — you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”
“I KNOW!” the guy says. “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”
Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do — I’d take them to the zoo.”
“That’s a great idea!” says the driver.
A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.
“What are you doing — I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.
“We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”
A guy from the city decides he wants to go duck hunting. He’s out for several days before he even catches sight of a duck. Finally, he sees the perfect duck, takes aim, and fires. The duck falls, hits a barn, and goes into a farmer’s yard.
The hunter climbs over the fence and goes into the farmer’s yard to get the duck. As soon as the hunter bends over to pick up the duck, this huge farmer comes out of the house. He takes one look at the hunter and says, “What are you doing in my yard?”
The hunter points at the duck and says, “I’ve come to get the duck. It’s my duck.”
The farmer says, “That’s not your duck. This is my yard. That duck fell and hit my barn.”
The hunter is not about to give up the duck. He says, “That’s not your duck. I shot the duck. I’ve been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I’m from the city.”
The farmer says, “You’re from the city? Well, you don’t understand about how property works in the country, do you? This is my property. It’s my duck. But, I’m a fair guy, so I’ll give you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement country style.”
The hunter says, “Country style?”
The farmer nods, a great big smile on his face, and says, “Yeah. Country style.”
The hunter frowns and asks, “How do you settle it country style?”
The farmer’s smile gets even wider, and he says, “I kick you in the groin. And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever’s left standing keeps the duck.”
The hunter does not like the sound of that, but he wants the duck. So he says, “Well, if that’s what I have to do.”
The farmer nods and says, “I go first.” He hauls off and…WHACK. He kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter falls to the ground, clutching his groin and moaning in pain.
After several minutes of rolling around in the dirt, the hunter manages to climb back up to his feet. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. I guess it’s my turn.”
The farmer shrugs and says, “You can have the duck.”
Sally, Billy Ray’s wife, pregnant with her first child, was at her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Sally answered. “Billy Ray wants to know if I can still mow the yard.”
A Pastor was standing at the church door greeting people after service.
One man walked by and the Pastor grabbed his hand and said, “Brother, you need to join the Army of the Lord!”
The man looked confused and said, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
The pastor whispered, “Then how come I only see you at Christmas and Easter?”
The man leaned in and whispered back, “Because I’m in the secret service.”
