How do you keep your bagel from getting away?
You put lox on it.
Tone: light-hearted
Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Bagel Escape? Lox To The Rescue!
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Seagulls or Bagels? A Silly Dilemma!
Why won’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they’d be bagels. -
Shoe: The Sneezing Leather Delight!
What’s leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe. -
Making Every Second Count in Toyland!
I just got a job making toy Dracula dolls.
There’s only 1 other employee, so I have to make every second count. -
An artist needed glasses…
An artist needed glasses, but like many artists, she didn’t have health insurance.
An ophthalmologist who admired her work offered a deal: he’d cover the cost of everything except the office visit if she’d paint a mural in his waiting room.
Two weeks later, the artist had her new glasses and spent the weekend painting the mural. On Monday, the doctor and his staff arrived, eager to see what she’d created.
The artist proudly ushered them in. Every wall was covered with eyes — some open, some closed, some long-lashed, in shades of brown, blue, green, and hazel. One even had a single teardrop.
“So,” asked the artist, “what do you think?”
The doctor paused, looked around the room, and said, “I think I’m glad I’m not a gynecologist.”
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How is your mother-in-law?
I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over. As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”
I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”
Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”
Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”
A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”
I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”
He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”
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Killer Whales: Masters of the Ocean Performance!
Do you know what’s great about orcas?
They do a killer whale impression. -
Blind at the Beach: Finding Clarity
How do you spot a blind person at a nude beach?
It’s not hard. -
Sikh Sense: Intuition at Its Best!
What do you call someone in India with great intuition?
Sikh sense. -
A guy finds an old lamp
A guy is walking along a beach and finds an old lamp.
He rubs it, and a genie pops out. The genie says, “I can grant you three wishes, but there’s a catch: your ex-wife gets double whatever you ask for.”
The man thinks and says, “For my first wish, I’d like a billion dollars.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. You have a billion dollars, and your ex-wife has two billion.”
The man says, “For my second wish, I’d like a fleet of the world’s finest sports cars.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. You have ten Ferraris, and your ex-wife has twenty.”
The man pauses, looking very thoughtful. Finally, he says, “For my third wish… I’d like to donate one of my kidneys.”
