Tone: light-hearted

Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Little Johnny refused to study math

    Little Johnny refused to study math so his parents decided to put him in Catholic school and let the nuns fix the situation. Sure enough, Johnny came home after her very first day and went straight to his room to work on his math homework. Right after dinner, he went back to his room to study math, right up to bedtime. And even after bedtime, his parents found him working on math problems with a flashlight under his blanket.

    The next morning, while Johnny was working on math problems over breakfast, his baffled parents asked him why his new school had changed his attitude towards math so quickly. He answered with a terrified whisper:

    “When the nuns took us to chapel, I saw the guy they nailed to the plus sign…. I knew they weren’t joking around.”

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  • Changing a flat tire

    A guy’s on the side of the highway changing a flat.

    A patrol car pulls up. The officer steps out and says, “Sir, we received a report of an emergency…”

    Before he can finish, another cruiser comes flying up from behind, speeding in the same direction. It slams on the brakes and skids in behind the first car. The second officer jumps out, a little out of breath. He takes one look around and says, “Oh… I thought…”

    Suddenly, from the opposite side of the highway, a third cruiser whips a U-turn across the median, sirens blaring, and screeches to a stop.

    The third officer jumps out and runs up. “Are there any left?”

    The first two silently point at the spare tire. The third officer squints at it.

    “We really need better descriptions from dispatch, this is not what I would call a donut emergency”

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  • A priest goes to heaven

    A Priest dies, and goes to heaven. In heaven he is given a small apartment, a modest budget to buy groceries and food, and a pass to ride on the Heaven Express bus company. However he keeps noticing a certain guy driving around heaven in a sports car, residing in the biggest mansion in heaven, eating at the finest heavenly restaurants, and given the royal treatment wherever he goes. The Priest starts to get jealous so he makes an appointmentto see God.

    “What’s going on? “He asks God “Who is that guy who is treated like he’s the new Messiah?”

    “Oh, that’s Kevin” Answers God,

    “I don’t get it” says the Priest “Didn’t I love a good life in your service? Haven’t I been a true follower”

    “Yes you have been” Says God “I couldn’t have asked for any more from you. You have been a perfect servant”

    “So what makes Kevin so special. Why is he given everything on a silver platter?” asks the priest

    “Kevin’s a lawyer” answer god

    “so?”

    “Well you see. We have thousands and thousands of Priests who made it up here. But Kevin’s the only lawyer”.

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  • Nobody likes lawyers

    A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see jogging on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer jogging along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing the loud “THUD,” he would swerve back on the road.

    One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up

    The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. “Surely I can’t run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!” he thought.

    Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying “Thud.”

    “Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?” the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly.

    “No,” said the priest. “But I got him with the door.”

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  • Man goes to the dermatologist with a strange skin condition

    A man visits his dermatologist because his skin has become strangely pink and rubbery, like a ham. It’s like this all over his body.

    The doctor asks him if he has any clue what could have caused this change, and the man admits that he recently tried out a hygiene tip he read about online: rubbing salt all over himself and sleeping while covered in it.

    The man says “Surely there’s some way to fix this before it gets any worse?”

    The doctor just says “You’re already cured.”

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  • Stairs: Always Up to Something!

    I don’t trust stairs.

    They’re always up to something.

  • A lawyer has surgey

    A lawyer wakes up after surgery and sees the recovery room completely dark.

    He asks, “Nurse, why are the blinds closed?”

    She says, “There’s a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you waking up thinking the surgery didn’t work.”

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  • Trying to sell a dog

    A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face.

    A regular sees him and says “Hey guy, you doing alright?”

    “I’m doing terrible” the guys says “I’m having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I’m just traveling around town asking if anyone wants to buy him off me. He’s in the car now.”

    “I’m sorry to hear that” says the regular, “what are you asking for him?”

    “500 dollars” the man says.

    “Whoa that’s a lot of money for a dog” the regular says

    “Well, it’s like that dog is a part of my family. He’s the gentlest, sweetest dog you’ve ever seen. He never barks, unless there is an intruder, in which case he turns into the meanest SOB that ever lived. When he needs to go, he’ll just nudge your leg once or twice and then sit by the door and wait till you’re ready to let him out. My kids and wife love him, and are going to hate me for selling him, but I don’t have any other options.”

    The regular says “well jeez, guy. If the dog is that good, I’ll take him. I’d be happy to help you out”

    A year later the man walks into the bar again.

    This time the regular is there again, but he screams “YOU! YOU SOLD ME THAT GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ SON OF A BITCH DOG. That dog does nothing but shit all over the house. He barks constantly, and tries to bite my wife and kids every chance he gets. I swear to god the day I bought that dog was the last good day I’ve had!”

    The man looks at the regular, smiles, and says “Mister… you’re never ever gonna sell that dog if you keep talking about him like that”

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  • Decoding DNA: National Dyslexic’s Association Explained

    What does DNA stand for?

    National Dyslexic’s Association.

  • Serpentine Shenanigans: A Barroom Surprise!

    A snake walks into a bar, the bartender says “How the hell did you do that?”