Tone: light-hearted

Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Nobody likes lawyers

    A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see jogging on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer jogging along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing the loud “THUD,” he would swerve back on the road.

    One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up

    The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. “Surely I can’t run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!” he thought.

    Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying “Thud.”

    “Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?” the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly.

    “No,” said the priest. “But I got him with the door.”

  • Man goes to the dermatologist with a strange skin condition

    A man visits his dermatologist because his skin has become strangely pink and rubbery, like a ham. It’s like this all over his body.

    The doctor asks him if he has any clue what could have caused this change, and the man admits that he recently tried out a hygiene tip he read about online: rubbing salt all over himself and sleeping while covered in it.

    The man says “Surely there’s some way to fix this before it gets any worse?”

    The doctor just says “You’re already cured.”

  • Stairs: Always Up to Something!

    I don’t trust stairs.

    They’re always up to something.

  • A lawyer has surgey

    A lawyer wakes up after surgery and sees the recovery room completely dark.

    He asks, “Nurse, why are the blinds closed?”

    She says, “There’s a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you waking up thinking the surgery didn’t work.”

  • Trying to sell a dog

    A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face.

    A regular sees him and says “Hey guy, you doing alright?”

    “I’m doing terrible” the guys says “I’m having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I’m just traveling around town asking if anyone wants to buy him off me. He’s in the car now.”

    “I’m sorry to hear that” says the regular, “what are you asking for him?”

    “500 dollars” the man says.

    “Whoa that’s a lot of money for a dog” the regular says

    “Well, it’s like that dog is a part of my family. He’s the gentlest, sweetest dog you’ve ever seen. He never barks, unless there is an intruder, in which case he turns into the meanest SOB that ever lived. When he needs to go, he’ll just nudge your leg once or twice and then sit by the door and wait till you’re ready to let him out. My kids and wife love him, and are going to hate me for selling him, but I don’t have any other options.”

    The regular says “well jeez, guy. If the dog is that good, I’ll take him. I’d be happy to help you out”

    A year later the man walks into the bar again.

    This time the regular is there again, but he screams “YOU! YOU SOLD ME THAT GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ SON OF A BITCH DOG. That dog does nothing but shit all over the house. He barks constantly, and tries to bite my wife and kids every chance he gets. I swear to god the day I bought that dog was the last good day I’ve had!”

    The man looks at the regular, smiles, and says “Mister… you’re never ever gonna sell that dog if you keep talking about him like that”

  • Decoding DNA: National Dyslexic’s Association Explained

    What does DNA stand for?

    National Dyslexic’s Association.

  • Serpentine Shenanigans: A Barroom Surprise!

    A snake walks into a bar, the bartender says “How the hell did you do that?”

  • Jesus on Deck: A Divine Docking Dilemma

    Jesus walks aboard a ship.

    The puzzled captain asks him, “Couldn’t you wait until we docked?”

  • Divine Humor: No Hammering Allowed!

    Jesus walks into a bar.

    The bartender says, “You ain’t getting hammered here.”

  • Little Johnny is Smart

    A female third-grade teacher was having a problem with Little Johnny in her class.

    Little Johnny said, “Teacher, I should be in Grade 4. I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in Grade 4.”

    The teacher had heard enough and took him to the principal.

    The principal decided to test Little Johnny with some Grade 4 questions.

    Principal: “What is 3+3?”
    Little Johnny: “6.”

    Principal: “6+6?”
    Little Johnny: “12.”

    Little Johnny got all the questions right, so the principal told the teacher to send him to Grade 4 immediately.

    The teacher decided to ask her own questions, and the principal agreed.

    Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
    Little Johnny: “Legs.”

    Teacher: “What is in your trousers that I don’t have?”
    Little Johnny: “Pockets.”

    Teacher: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
    Little Johnny: “Coconut.”

    Teacher: “What goes in hard, then comes out soft and sticky?”
    The principal’s eyes opened wide, but before he could stop him, Little Johnny answered:
    Little Johnny: “Bubble gum.”

    Teacher: “You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
    Little Johnny: “Tent.”

    The principal was looking restless.

    Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
    Little Johnny: “Wedding ring.”

    Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
    Little Johnny: “Nose.”

    Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
    Little Johnny: “Arrow.”

    Principal: “OH MY GOD!”

    Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K, and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?”
    Little Johnny: “Fork.”

    Teacher: “What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?”
    Little Johnny: “Surname.”

    Principal: “Ohooo!”

    Teacher: “What part of a man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins and is responsible for making love?”
    Little Johnny: “Heart.”

    Principal: “Eeeeeh!”

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this boy straight to college. I got all the answers wrong myself!”