Jesus walks aboard a ship.
The puzzled captain asks him, “Couldn’t you wait until we docked?”
Tone: light-hearted
Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Little Johnny is Smart
A female third-grade teacher was having a problem with Little Johnny in her class.
Little Johnny said, “Teacher, I should be in Grade 4. I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in Grade 4.”
The teacher had heard enough and took him to the principal.
The principal decided to test Little Johnny with some Grade 4 questions.
Principal: “What is 3+3?”
Little Johnny: “6.”Principal: “6+6?”
Little Johnny: “12.”Little Johnny got all the questions right, so the principal told the teacher to send him to Grade 4 immediately.
The teacher decided to ask her own questions, and the principal agreed.
Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
Little Johnny: “Legs.”Teacher: “What is in your trousers that I don’t have?”
Little Johnny: “Pockets.”Teacher: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Little Johnny: “Coconut.”Teacher: “What goes in hard, then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened wide, but before he could stop him, Little Johnny answered:
Little Johnny: “Bubble gum.”Teacher: “You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Little Johnny: “Tent.”The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
Little Johnny: “Wedding ring.”Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Little Johnny: “Nose.”Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Little Johnny: “Arrow.”Principal: “OH MY GOD!”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K, and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?”
Little Johnny: “Fork.”Teacher: “What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?”
Little Johnny: “Surname.”Principal: “Ohooo!”
Teacher: “What part of a man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins and is responsible for making love?”
Little Johnny: “Heart.”Principal: “Eeeeeh!”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this boy straight to college. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
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Gym Woes: Broken Machines and No Treats!
I went to the gym the other day and my favorite machine was broken.
I couldn’t get any chocolate or Coke or anything.
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Spraying Memories: A Job for Two Bucks
Once long ago I got a job hosing women down for wet T-shirt contests. It was $2 an hour.
It was all I could afford at the time.
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Pregnant while in a coma
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months…
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: ….Denephew.
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Little Johnny and Cows
Little Johnny is out riding his bike with his dad through the fields when he sees a bull on top of a cow.
Johnny: “Dad, what’s that bull doing?”
Dad: “Well, the sun’s about to set, Johnny, so the bull is just pushing the cow back into the barn.”Johnny: “Wow! It’s a good thing Mama held on to the kitchen table yesterday—otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way back to the post office!”
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Gators vs. Crocs: Timing is Everything!
What’s the difference between an alligator, and a crocodile?
One you will see later; the other after a while.
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Life’s Journey: Remembering Those We Lost
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
